My 2009 New Year’s Resolutions

This week, The Frisky will be revealing their oh-so-ambitious resolutions for 2009. We encourage you to submit yours in the comments—maybe you’ll inspire others to adapt the same resolutions and at the very least you’ll get some support. Especially for your resolution to eat more donuts this year. That’s something we can all get behind. Here’s Simcha’s…

1. Learn How To Do A Banana Split: I used to take gymnastics classes as a kid and I could slide into one like it wasn’t no thang. While it was an impressive skill to show off in 1st grade, I have a feeling now a split will earn me extra sexy time brownie points. As a freelance writer who types all day on my cushy-tushy, this is a stretch for a goal. But I fully intend to do it, or injure myself trying!

2. Flower Power: I’m no Susie Homemaker so when I bring a dude back to my place, he’s rarely impressed with my mad skills in the kitchen. But there is one thing I picked up over the years of suburban craft classes — floral arrangement. I can make a $10 bunch look like a million bucks! Plus, I just got a couple of rad vases for Chanukah. So, I’m going to put both things I thought were useless — the knowledge and dust collecting canisters — to good use. I will dress my home to impress with fresh floral arrangements year round. After all, flowers are cheap and beautiful, just like me!
3. Hone My Inner Bitch: In general, I try to be a nice, friendly, respectful person, sometimes to a fault. Normally when I’m cranky it’s usually due to a lack of sleep. However, I would like to get my attitude on demand for those situations that require a “bad cop.” Usually, I just get too intimidated in the moment and grin and bear an obvious lame situation so it’ll go away faster. But no more! The next time some pushy electronics salesman, jerk customer service attendant, crappy contractor, or even some drunk bar a-hole tries to mess with me, I’m going to unleash the beast!
4. Silver Fox: I’m obsessed with gaudy gold jewelry, especially chain necklaces and bracelets. Sometimes, I think Mr T and I could swap accessories without anyone noticing. But the truth is, I’ve been ignoring silver, which is just as bling-errific. So, I’m going to work on incorporating the precious metal into my repertoire. I already got an antique onyx and sterling pinky ring, but the jewelry party is just getting started! Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.
5. Fantasy Sexcapade: This year I resolve to fulfill one of my sexual fantasies, goddamnit! Whether it’s finally joinging the mile high club or having a fireman flame, I’m going to get myself something I’ve only dreamed of…that is until 2009. Here I come!