In the school of life, every year is a learning experience. And 2008 certainly had its educational moments. Here’s how this year made me a hip smarty-pants and how I hope 2009 will make me a mensa-like slut.
10 Things I Learned In 2008:
1. I will most likely get carpal tunnel from playing Guitar Hero.
2. Heath Ledger taught me not to mix prescription meds. Even if you’re a healthy young stud, Casey Jones you better watch your speed. This lesson hurt, especially since I idolize the boozer/users from “Ab Fab.”
3. Hustler, the first porn I ever saw back in the day, has still got it! Nailin’ Paylin’ was as funny/sexy as an episode of “Saturday Night Live.”
4. Rachel Maddow is the bee’s knees. From her MSNBC pulpit, she’s been smart, funny, and so sexy — I’d totally switch teams to be her main squeeze. Girl crush alert!
5. Madonna is a woman who is stronger than even her body. In the face of a public divorce, an unauthorized biography by her brother, and a scandalous amount of adultery, she’s still the Queen. All hail a woman who can hold her head and legs high during such trying times!Forget Cher, in the event of a nuclear holocaust, only Madonna and cockroaches will survive.
6. The G-spot is real! Researchers in Italy found it with an ultrasound.
7. America will elect a minority to be President. Yippee! My faith has been renewed thanks to Obama.
8. As much as I hate Jessica Simpson, she makes fabulously cheap coats, clothing, and accessories. So take her off magazine covers, get her out the recording studio, and put her on fashion full-time, Papa Joe. Mama needs a new pair of shoes!
9. James Franco is a package deal.
10. Astrosexologist Kiki T is always right. She predicted every time I got laid over this past year. She has some naughty psychic powers!
10 Things I Hope To Learn In 2009:
1. Whose ween Britney’s been sucking to still have a career.
2. Why self-hating gayelle SamRo won’t DJ a lesbian party
3. When we can pull out of Iraq.
4. That J.J. Abrams gets the “Star Trek” franchise and made the right casting and directorial decisions for the upcoming flick. I want to fall in nerd love all over again! Beam me up to 7th heaven, Scotty.
5. How to get Diet Dr. Pepper out of my living room rug.
6. The inside working’s of a man’s psyche. Sure, many have tried…and failed — namely me for the past (cough) years. But perhaps John DeVore, our “Mind of Man”, can help me piece together dude clues.
7. How to get Michelle Obama’s glamorous sense of style.
8. Who is supervising the bail out. Please, someone’s looking over their shoulders, right? Right?
9. That no one would deny a fellow American civil rights and their pursuit of happiness. Court hearings over the homophobic Prop 8 are scheduled for the Spring. Pastor Rick Warren has hopefully seen the error of his ways, and now fingers crossed California will too!
10. How to work a pole like a Mormon housewife. Those rad women are ripped to perfection!
What about you? Fill me in on your big ideas from ’08 and for ’09 in the comments.