I can’t stand Christmas music. After a weeks worth of shopping I’m already up to my eyeballs in “Silver Bells” and “Feliz Navidad.” Don’t get me wrong, I love buying gifts, but if I hear one more light jazz rendition of “Jingle Bell Rock,” I’m going to lose it. There are plenty of non-Christmas celebrating shoppers out there, slowly being tortured by seasonal elevator music — the Heebs, Muslims, Buddhists, Jehovah Witnesses, Atheists, Taoists….well, you get the point. Still, since it’s our job, if we have the means, to help boost the economy, I would just like to suggest some tracks to the retailers out there, unless they want me to do my holiday shopping at home — where I can blast my own awesome non-denominational music. Now, let’s get in the mood to spend with these hot holiday-free jams that revel in consumerism…
“Luxurious” by Gwen Stefani
“This kind of love is getting expensive/We know how to live, baby/We’re luxurious, like Egyptian cotton/We’re so rich in love, we’re rollin’ in cashmere/Got it in fifth gear, baby/Diamond in the rough is lookin’ so sparkly.”
Ooh yeah, I want to be glamorous too! I wonder what Gavin is getting the girl who has everything?
”Shoes” by Kelly
“I think you have too many shoes/Shut Up!/ Stupid boy, stupid boy/ Let’s get some shoes/Let’s party/These shoes are 300 hundred dollars.”
Kelly knows #26 on that list of things men should never say to women: “You have too many shoes.”
“Gimme More” Britney Spears
“I just can’t control myself, oh!/They want more?/ Well, I’ll give them more, ow!/Gimme gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more”
It’s Britney bitch, if she doesn’t get her presents! Just kidding, after watching her doc, this year she really wants friends. But that ho has managed to accumulate more crap than anyone else and her chorus makes us want to stuff more junk in our trunk too.
”The Bargain Store” by Dolly Parton
“The bargain store is open come inside /You can easily afford the price /Love is all you need to purchase all the merchandise /And I can guarantee you’ll be completely satisfied.”
If the recession is hitting you hard this season, perhaps Dolly can perk you up with her track about affordable goods.
“Whatever You Like” by T.I.
“You want it I got it, go get it I buy it…/Baby you could have whatever you like”
T.I. wants to spoil a lady year round — sounds like this big spender is worth waiting for….when does he get out of jail again?
“Dress You Up” by Madonna
“You’ve got style, that’s what all the girls say/ Satin sheets and luxuries so fine/ All your suits are custom made in London/ But I’ve got something that you’ll really like/ Gonna dress you up in my love.”
Madonna may be very generous with Guy Ritchie, but given her sexy track record, I’d say she’s more likely to undress you up in her love — especially now that she’s a free woman again!
”Mercedes Benz” by Janis Joplin
“Oh lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?…Oh lord, won’t you buy me a color TV?…Oh lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?.. I’m counting on you, lord, please don’t let me down/Prove that you love me and buy the next round.”
Even a hippie wants luxury. Just listen to Janis Joplin beg back in the ’60s for stuff you’re guaranteed to still want today!
“Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag” by James Brown
“Come here mama….and dig this crazy scene He’s not too fancy….but his line is pretty clean He ain’t no drag. Papa’s got a brand new bag!”
The King of Soul knows the value of accessories. We can definitely get in the mall groove with this stylish song.