The Oprah/Sarah Palin Interview That May Never Happen

Oprah Winfrey told “Extra” last week that she had asked Sarah Palin to come on her show after the election, but instead Palin talked to other interviewers, including Matt Lauer and Larry King. Oprah sounded a little bitter — how could anyone say no to her?! Since Oprah may never get her interview, we took the liberty of creating a transcript for the Q&A that probably won’t happen.

OPRAH: “Please welcome Sarah Paaaaaaaliiiiiiiiiiiiin!”

[Applause.] O: Now, Sarah, I was a little disappointed that you didn’t want to come on my show until you had a book to promote, but I suppose you were just acting as a business woman — my show is going to do wonders for your book. But, in exchange for helping you make enough money to feed all of your children, you’re going to have to answer some tough questions.

Sarah Palin: Let’s get to it, Oprah, why dontcha!

O: For you, what was the hardest part about being on the campaign trail?

SP: Gosh, Oprah, that’s a tough one. I guess I’d have to say it was a little tough when some of the mainstream media attacked my family. They just didn’t deserve all of those nasty comments, also. I also had a hard time being away from my beloved Alaska. Luckily I didn’t miss any of hunting season. There’s still plenty of moose to shoot!

O: Was it hard when the media found out how much you spent on your wardrobe?

SP: Oprah, I just didn’t understand why everyone was payin’ so much attention to what I was wearing to the debates and everything. Back in Alaska, no one really cares what people wear, except for when we’re hunting. Then, you have to dress in appropriate attire so you don’t accidentally get mistaken for a deer or a moose. I’m happy I don’t have to wear all those expensive clothes anymore. Really, who on Main Street-USA has the money to pay all those dry-cleaning bills? Not Joe Six-Pack that’s for sure.

O: What have you been reading lately?

SP: Oh, Oprah, I’ve been reading just about every book that my staff puts in front of me. I’m really well-informed about what’s out there.

O: But what are you reading right now?

SP: Everything! Really, all books. And also The Bible.

O: What helps you live your best life?

SP: Oh, well, living in Alaska. Everything is just so pristine, and there’s very little waste. To really appreciate life, all Americans should spend some time in Alaska.

O: Tell me one of your favorite things.

SP: Well, my family is my favorite thing.

O: But people can’t buy your family. Favorite things are items that we can give away to the audience. Oh, well. We’re out of time. Thank you for finally talking to me!