How To Get Your Eggs Nogged At A Holiday Party
It’s hard not to get smitten with someone at an open bar, especially if you’re single in December. The tricky thing is that a lot of the holiday parties are for business, so pleasure would have to be a secret bonus. However, the seasonal soirées bring about the best time to finally go for that cutie in accounting that you’ve had your eye on. After a year’s worth of fantasizing over the copy machine, a hot romp with an officemate can be spicier than eggnog. While it might not be the most professional move, it can be just what you need to get you in the giving spirit. So, here’s how you turn the heat up on your love life during the cold weather holiday gatherings…
1. Clean Up Nice: You definitely want to show some personality, even if your work place is pretty buttoned up. Wear something you haven’t worn to the office — but don’t go casual, even if it’s your coolest outfit. Get gussied up in something snazzy. Put on some high heels because no one who is 100% sure they’re not getting laid would strut around in those foot torture traps for nothing. So, if you at least seem like you’re trying to look dressed up and sexy, the odds are in your favor that someone will want to at least tell you how unbelievably alluring you are.
TIP: Unless it’s a formal ball, do NOT wear your old bridesmaid dress — that’s too fancy and it reeks of, well, “always the bridesmaid.”
2. Smile All Sparkly: This is a three pronged attack. 1) People naturally gravitate toward the girl chock full of holiday cheer; 2) Smiles are contagious and will help get your coworkers in a friendly mood; 3) If you smile at everyone, your flirtations will go unnoticed. So when you’re feeling it with a sexy dude, it will seem casual and work party appropriate — so long as you heed #5 (below).
TIP: The holiday party is the perfect time to let your hair down, wear a dress, and show a lil’ cleavage (no more than an inch!). You won’t be judged for a softer look; people will find it endearing to see another side of you — so long as that other side isn’t an obvious slut machine.
3. Bar Fly: The best way to have a private convo with someone is to invite them to grab another drink at the bar with you. Now, you do not want to unleash your MTV Spring Break-style inner ho on a work party by getting too drunk. So, remember, you do NOT have to finish every drink you get. You can abandon drinks for the hell of it because your company is paying the tab. (Um, don’t worry about The Frisky holiday party budget Amelia — we’re all chicks. Well, John DeVore is an honorary lady. I’m counting on #6.) That being said, make sure your drink is generic. If you’re the only one ordering prissy pink drinks, it’ll be sad for you if your boss notices 15 of those pussy cats on his tab at the end of the night.
TIP: Tip your bartender! That way they won’t make snide remarks about you hitting them up so often. They may actually wind up being happy to see you…and by that I mean, maybe you’ll take that cater waiter home!
4. Life Of The Party: There’s a fine line between being the center of attention and drawing attention to yourself. Do NOT be the first drunk girl to hit the dance floor alone. If you’ve got company, than go for it. Also, do NOT try to play grab ass with your smokin’ single boss — I learned that lesson the hard way. Sigh, he had a great butt, but his sense of humor was not as well-rounded. Luckily, I didn’t get in trouble, but it was so awkward! Whatever you do at the party, keep it to good, clean fun — especially with anyone above you, even if they’re in another department. After the party, well, that’s when you can get dirty! But when you’re in the company of your company, don’t give them any ammo to fire you.
TIP: Use the beginning part of the night, before you get toasty, to obligatorily greet your bosses. Be polite, friendly, and thankful to them for throwing the event. Do NOT try to do this cordial small talk at the end of the night when you’re wasted — you’ll think you sound polished at the time, but the next morning you’ll remember the horrid look on your boss’s face when you told him about your hemrhoids. Plus, by getting pleasantries out of the way early, you’ll maximize your party time, since no one is cruising for tail until they’re a little loosenedup. So, warm up the party by being civil, then wait for something steamy.
5. Night Cap: Whatever you do, do NOT get caught dirty dancing or making out with someone you work with. It’s unprofessional and bad PR, even if it’s totally hot. Right before he goes to kiss you, or vice versa, suggest you get out of there, fast! Then, leave separately. I recommend heading to another bar, where you can get your make out on and feel out any further evening opportunities. Unless you’re 100% ready to head back to his place, be cool. And definitely be sure to make a pact with the dude before you get naked — what happens between you, stays between you. But honestly, who knows if he’ll blab once he’s sober and satisfied…and who knows what he’ll say. Protect yourself and your job by keeping things out of sight! Your best defense is making it his word against yours with no evidence — that means NO texting. At the end of the night, if no one saw anything, it’ll all just seem like a rumor…a very sexy rumor.
TIP: Do NOT be desperate. Do NOT literally go chasing that guy in IT you’ve always had a crush on. Give it your best shot, ask them to join you to grab a drink at the bar. Don’t be so obvious that when you have to move on to someone else it looks like you’ll just take what you can get. Also, if he’s not taking the bait, don’t wait for him to get too drunk and then throw yourself at him. Move on, find someone who wants to do you right.
6. Wasted: If you’re still standing by the end of the night and you’re alone, you don’t have to waste your buzz. Hit up another bar. Hey, you’re already in the party mood! A great opening line for sympathy is, “I just came from my work holiday party…groan….” That should drum up some business, or at least a pity screw. ‘Tis the season!
TIP: Mistletoe is not a seductive way to get someone to make out with you. Sure, I’m a Jew and I wasn’t raised with the tradition, but in my limited experience, it’s creepy. Especially during cold and flu season, I like to pick and choose what I put my mouth on. And let’s face it, there are already plenty of chances to make your move during the season with all the smooching hello and goodbye. So, if you want one to plant one on someone, you don’t need to waste $8 on some cheesy bush.
7. The Morning After: This is the most important rule: NO TALKING ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR COWORKER AT WORK. Now, you should make sure you keep things from being awkward by being naturally friendly. Don’t publicly acknowledge that your two fa-la-la-la-la-ed, but don’t ignore him or follow him around the office to chat. Say hello with a wink and a smile. You can meet elsewhere, after work to discuss deets if you need to. If you have your regrets, do not let it show at work because that could make things even more sobering. Respect your colleague. If you kids want to go at it like you’re characters on “The Office,” so be it. But in the event that it was just a one-time thing, you’re still going to have to work together. So, be a lady about the whole experience. If someone asks you about the guy, just brush ‘em off. Even at work, it’s none of their business.
TIP: Although I don’t recommend kissing and telling, if you have to dish to your cube mate, don’t go blabbing about it at the office. The walls have ears! If she really is your bestie, you can tell her later. Also, don’t leave a trace. Make sure you’re showered and in a fresh outfit. It’s no biggie if getting yourself together makes you late, people often stagger in tardy after the holiday party.