Happy (belated) Thanksgiving, y’all. Normally, this holiday is a gluttonous orgy of excess, where we hit the gravy bong and chug obscene amounts of food directly into our greasy talkholes. It’s also a time to give thanks for not having to awkwardly hang out with extended family for the rest of the year.
But this year seems different, doesn’t it? Call me sentimental, or just an apocalypse fetishist, but there’s a gloomy pall over everything, which makes me actually thankful for the genuine blessings in my life. From a ridiculously understanding and supportive family, to a stable of faithful, freaky friends, to my momentary employment and my ability to enjoy life’s minor vices: a whisky here, Chinese takeout there, “Battlestar Galactica” on Hulu.
Oh, and women. I have to be thankful for them, even when they make me want to crack myself in the skull with a waffle iron. I mean, bikinis? Yes, thank you, thank you.
There’s a guy at my local dive bar, an honest drinking joint, who’s a Crazy Old Greek. I say that only because that’s what he tells me he is. I asked him what he was thankful for the other day and he tells me “There’s a saying: fire, water, and women! Fire is warmth and light in the darkness. Water is food, and opportunity, you can sail to other shores to trade. Women are who you share warmth, light, food, and opportunity with. Without her, the others are useless.” How can I argue with Greek wisdom? They invented democracy, philosophy, and astronomy, as well as, according to the historical drama 300, CGI-enhanced heavy metal homoerotica.
I am thankful for fire, water, and women. Here are ten other reasons I’m thankful for women, in particular, in 2008.
YOU’RE FUNNY!: It is common dude knowledge that women aren’t funny, it’s part of our oral tradition. Women always seemed immune to farts, pranks, and pratfalls. And I’m not saying the lot of you find these things funny now, but many of you are conceding that human folly and frailty is pretty cackle worthy. Some of you even forward on viral videos of rednecks falling off trampolines. More and more, the women I meet and date are cracking me up with jokes, snark, and eye rolls, finding humor in surprising places. Also: laughter in bed can be a very bad thing… but it can be a very excellent thing. Here’s to more laughing while getting it on. Here’s to not taking ourselves so seriously.
YOU HAD A VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!: Alaskan governor Sarah Palin proved something to a lot of men: the patriarchy isn’t corrupt specifically because it’s run by men. Women can be vainglorious, power-lusting incompetents too! Regardless of your attitude towards Governor Palin, one thing is for certain, she is feminism extended to a logical conclusion — blind ambition knows no gender. Also, love her or hate her, she was her own woman, a beauty queen/housewife/moose hunter/cutthroat politician who flaunted her femininity without sacrificing her strength. Sure, she was ultimately exploited by the GOP, and then thrown under the snowmobile. But I’m thankful that she expanded the mass notion of who a woman can be.
YOU’RE TALKING DIRTY!: Once upon a time, getting a women to whisper to you all the filthy little secrets rolling through her head while you’re banging was more than a challenge. We’ve all had girlfriends who wouldn’t reveal the sexy tricks, fantasies, and kinks they need to get off if you waterboarded them. That’s all over now. What happened? Some of you are confessing to things that make our nerves throw off their skin and shiver with anticipation. It’s like porno play-by-play, with color commentary thrown in, and it’s good. Actually, it’s win-win: we get into your heads and understand what you want while getting turned on.
YOU’RE NOT TOTAL PRINCESSES!: Many of you remain emotionally molested by the materialistic, pandering wish fulfillment anti-women girl power fairy tale “Sex and The City.” But then there’s the rest of you, who are drinking beer out of a bottle. Who tear it up playing Rock Band. My favorite point in a relationship recently is that intimate moment when she reveals her sweat pants. And even more importantly, there seems to be rejection of the whole mental illness I call “Happily Ever After” syndrome. There is no white knight, and committing to a relationship is not the destination, just the beginning of a journey. Being a Princess seems more of an option than a life choice now. Plus, so many of you don’t need rescuing; you’re strong and looking for an equal.
YOUR TASTE IN MASS CULTURE SUCKS!: No man should be ashamed of his love of UFC, or comic book movies, or Xbox. We’re actually okay with being “Gossip Girl” widows. It’s about time. You have your crap culture, we have ours. And indulging in it is not a reflection on the other person you’re sharing your life with. But, I mean, y’all are watching “The Plastic Gorgons Of Gated Republican Community.” Seriously, if you were a terrorist sitting in a cave and someone showed you “The Real Housewives of Orange County”, and said “That’s what America is,” I bet you’d be thinking some pretty evil thoughts. Emotional pornographers like Tyra, lame softcore teenage vampires, celebrity meat grinders on VH1. A lot of it is fabulous schadenfreude, and it’s ghastly. But hey, I read graphic novels (ahem.)
YOU SMELL GOOD!: Some things never change, and the fact that your bathtubs are ringed with mystical bottles of sweet smelling goop, your domiciles smell of mellow deliciousness, and your hair smells like “YES I WANT” is something we will never get tired of. All men secretly love their woman’s supply of fancy ass soaps, shampoos, lotions, and oils. Men stink. It’s what we do. Even marinated in cologne, we smell. There must be something biological working here. Men have an olfactory deficiency, and we look to you to fill the world with smells that aren’t beer, feet, and general man funk. We look to you for guidance. I mean, is there anything more intoxicating than running nose across a woman’s naked shoulder to the nape of her neck and breathing in her perfume and sweat? No. Nothing.
YOU’RE LESS HIGH MAINTENANCE!: Women are more willing to buy dinner. Which is a nice gesture. You are more accepting of dudes having boys night out, if only because you realize you need girls night out. Hanging out is the order of the day; special nights out are less and less a mandatory edict. In fact, you’re becoming so low maintenance, so blasé about making plans and sharing feelings, you’re transforming perfectly normal, heterosexual men into needy, rampaging queens of insecurity. We need you to call, we need you to tell us we’re pretty, we need you to validate our overtures. Congratulations, have fun with that!
YOU SUPPORT IMPORTANT ECONOMIES!: Here’s a short list of the industries you single-handedly support: the soulless celebrity magazine industry, the fruity cocktail industry, the designer handbag industry, the brunch industry. Why, without you, the moisturizing hand lotion industry would crater. And who would buy votive candles? Lifetime Channel needs you, lest they cancel their army of scandalous chick flicks about honest women done wrong by men, and who depend on the kindness of their girl friends. Plus, what would happen to florists? We wouldn’t have any reason to buy flowers, if not to sedate you on occasion with a bouquet. In a world without women, only bars, butchers, and strip clubs would thrive. Thanks for being classy consumerists.
YOU’RE MORE WILLING TO RAIL AND BOUNCE!: Snuggling is great, collapsing into a sweaty heap after giving each other an orgasm that made the angels blush is better. What happened? It’s awesome. At least for some men. You’ve suddenly gotten in touch with your carnal needs, you’ve abandoned the idea that sex is a way to trap a man. You want to get it on, fast and dirty, slow and sensual. But get it on. The post-game isn’t quite the point anymore. For a lot of men, not rolling over and snoring was a test we loathed. But now, hell, how many of you go to the dude’s place just so you can bounce? Huzzah for taking control of your sexual appetites! After all, sex is as much a necessity as food, water and shelter. You are woman! You are horny! Men have always wanted to just be used for sex, and now that we’re getting it more, I wonder if we really want it. Oh noes!
YOU’RE HOTTER THAN EVER!: This is a true story. More fit, more fashionable, and most importantly, more confident. So many of you are positively radioactive with sexy; the way you strut, the casually strategic flesh you expose, the naughty, knowing sparkle in your eye that can only come with being able to look in the mirror and purr “Rockstar” to yourself. Can’t put my finger on it – but you y’all are straight-up superfoxes. Hot with three t’s. Can’t put my finger on it, but I want to slide my fingers all around it, pull it close to my mouth, and inhale deeply.