Erik Parker, contributor to MSN, wants us ladies to know the 11 things men want from us. Newsflash: Sex! Blowjobs! Time to watch sports! A GPS! Well, Erik — and all you other guys who will get this forwarded to you from your girlfriends, wives, maybe even helpful sisters — we want a few things from you, too. After the jump, the top 11 things we want (and yes, guilt-free nights of reality TV and enthusiasm for our shopping make the list). 1. You backing us when we come home with five bursting shopping bags. You should not only sit and watch our fashion show of new purchases, but congratulate us on our knack for finding the best deals. Also, would it kill you to tell us our rack looks amazing in the new dress with the plunging neckline? Who do you think we bought it for?
2. The right to know all your secrets. Erik Parker would like us to believe it’s men’s right to keep secrets, but puh-leaze! You want blowjobs? We want some juicy gossip, so spill the beans about your dirt-bag, cheating cousin and we’ll make it worth your while.
3. A guilt-free night of bad reality TV. Yeah, we know the “Real Housewives” franchise is pretty awful, but that’s exactly why we love watching. It’s escapism for us, it let’s us validate how sane we are in comparison, and it gives us something to gossip about at the water cooler the next day. Surely you can find something to do with yourselves for an hour besides ragging on our choice in TV shows? Perhaps you could catch up on your bathroom reading. We know how you like to do that.
4. You planning something. It can be as simple as a dinner out (don’t forget to make reservations!) or as elaborate as a weekend get-away, but what we really want, what we crave, is for you to take the reigns in planning something fun and romantic for the two of us to do together. This isn’t about you asking what we want, it’s about you taking the initiative in creating quality time for us, and I promise, the effort will not go un-thanked.
5. Some space when we have PMS. You know the warning signs now as well as we do: crying jags, irritability, complaints about cramps, exhaustion, back aches, chocolate cravings, breakup threats. PMS sucks and it sucks even more when you won’t just leave us the hell alone. So here’s what you need to do the next time PMS strikes your best gal: bring her some truffles and a stack of magazines, wash the dishes in the sink, make the bed, generally tidy up the place and then make yourself scarce! Go out for a beer with the guys and tell her to call or text if she needs anything. Mostly what she needs is a night without you trying to get in her pants every five flipping seconds.
6. You listening to us when we speak without tuning us out. We shouldn’t have to “warn” you when what we’re saying is important or when we really need you to listen up. EVERYTHING we say is important; you should always listen up when we’re talking. Period.
7. You saying the right thing. Like when we ask, “Does this make me look fat?” you say, “No way! You always look amazing in everything you wear!” It’s not that hard, guys. The correct answer to basically every question will almost always be, “You’re amazing.” “What do you want for dinner tonight? “You’re amazing.” “Is it supposed to be cold out today?” “You’re amazing.” “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” “YOU’RE AMAZING!”
8. You dressing well. Listen to us when we point out a well-dressed man on the street. What we’re really doing is pointing out the way we’d like you to dress. The team jerseys and baggy jeans you’ve been sporting since college just aren’t cutting it. If you want to turn us on, you have to dress the part. If you’re clueless when it comes to fashion, ask us for advice, take us shopping with you and let us pick out something we’d like to see you in. Sure, we know you can dress yourself, but the fact is, you can’t blow yourself, so consider your priorities, guys.
9. Frequent backrubs (we don’t even care if they’re enthusiastic about them). Sure, girls love trips downtown, too, but hands down, your blowjob is our backrub. You know how we’ll return the favor.
10. You asking for directions. No GPS, no fighting over the map, no endless drives in circles — just you. Asking. Someone. For. Directions. For the love of God, PLEASE!
11. A guy who doesn’t feel the need to leave the toilet seat up “as an act of rebellion.” If you want to rebel against something, rebel against society’s archaic assumption that women should still do, like, 80% of the housework. And while you’re at it, why don’t you replace the toilet roll you’ve just used up.