Tonight I’ll be liveblogging the season finale (noooooo!) of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” starting at 10pm EST — so come back with a glass of wine in hand and your TV tuned to Bravo. Will Big Poppa make an appearance? Will NeNe find out who her real father is? Will Lisa or DeShawn suddenly become interesting? I cannot wait to see how this hot mess ends! 9:48 Have you poured yourself a glass of red? I have! Twelve minutes to go. I am just catching up on the last episode. I think I despise Sheree. This really should be the NeNe and Kim show.
9:52 Wow. Lisa says “Mah God!” a lot.
10:01 Kim is an overgrown Britney Spears. This is her “business” look. How dreadful, to quote NeNe’s gay. How does Kim’s wig have ROOTS?
10:03 Negative, negative, negative. STFU ladies. You know what’s negative? Being rude. Is Kim hating on drag queens? I don’t like that.
10:04 I’m pretty sure it’s DeShawn’s veneers that make her talk weird. She has a slightttttt whistle when she speaks. It must be kind of nice to retire in your 30′s. Okay, no joke, if Kim can LEARN to be the kind of singer she wants to be, so could I. I just need a Big Poppa to pay for it.
10:07 DeShawn’s husband seems like a nice man. He doesn’t seem like a Larry Bird-type. Sweet god, Kim has a lot of diamond bangles on.
10:09 Right now Dallas is squashing Kim’s dream and I love it. But is she listening? Or is her Barbie hair getting in the way?
10:14 God, I hate you Sheree. Connections? You’re on the same network as Michael Knight you idiot.
10:15 NeNe! I think Greg is so lovely. I feel for NeNe — why is the guy who she thought was her dad being so mean and ignoring her?
10:17 That’s interesting. NeNe just said you have to have a real strong foundation to be married to an athlete. Because they’re on the road a lot? Are known for cheating? Risk their health everyday? Being a single parent? You mean being a single parent with a full time nanny, DeShawn? Ugh.
10:19 Sheree meets Michael Knight (or however he is spelling his name now). I knew it! Michael is saying what I said last week — that Sheree didn’t know jack squat when she sent her little doodles to a seamstress! She didn’t even pick out her own fabric! She put all that money into a “viewing” but no time into making sure she had anything to SHOW at the viewing. Michael Knight is schooling her right now. Sheree makes me want to scream.
10:22 Oh Michael. Stop blowing smoke up Sheree’s ass. I know you don’t mean it. Also, he just said “Holla atcha boy” which was Blayne’s phrase from last season of “Project Runway.” I’m old — is this something people say in general, or did Blayne make it up and Michael is using it now? Educate me.
10:26 Should I watch this season of “The Real Housewives of Orange County?” I’m undecided. How do these women know NOTHING about cooking? I mean, I’m not all Susie Homemaker, but if I didn’t have a job, I would naturally just learn how to cook a little. I mean, don’t you get bored and have an urge for a snack sometimes? Do you make the chef cook you a snack? It’s just so lazy.
10:28 I love that Lisa calls her husband “dude.” I do that — call romantic partners “dude” I mean. Oh downgrading in lifestyle. How hard it must be for athletes and their wives during these tough economic times. I’m sorry but that chicken looks dry.
10:31 God, Kim is soooooo lazzzzzzy. I mean, get on the patch woman. You don’t need to smoke because of stress! Oh and sweetie, your mom’s teeth are white as snow because they are FAKE. Also, Kim, you are over 30. I do not care what you say. It’s just not physically possible that you and I are the same age.
10:32 Okay, so the oldest child looks 13. That would mean a 29-year-old Kim had her at 16, which is obviously possible, but I just doubt it. Also, why did she name her other child “Brio”. It makes me think of Brioche bread.
10:35 I want to smack Sheree. She is soooo classless, but she thinks because she wears all those diamonds and has “fashion sense” that she’s classy.
10:38 Oh dude. I cannot wait for the reunion! Next week! Ack! S**t is going to go DOWN.
10:40 What’s not to love about NeNe? She’s a good mom. Is NeNe wearing Diane Von Furstenberg? I like her dress. I don’t suppose it’s too much to ask for Brice to select a hybrid vehicle that doesn’t guzzle gas? Anyway, I like that NeNe is trying not to spoil Brice.
10:43 Kim’s daughter has three times the clothes and closet space that I do. Okay, something tells me in a NeNe/Kim fight, Kim would walk away with all her Barbie hair gone.
10:46 Sweet mother of GOD, Kim looks like a harlot from an old western movie. This dinner is awkward.
10:48 Lisa is trying to be mature, but she’s expecting maturity back out of these morons. Good luck.
10:52 “Twilight” trailer! I’m thinking about going during the day on Friday. Should I?
10:56 Kim is going to claim she has cancer at the reunion? Whoa. NeNe is making Kim look stupid right now.
10:57 Yay! NeNe’s awesome husband is stepping in. I love him. He’s wiser than all these fools put together. DeShawn’s eyes are glazing over.
10:59 So, what? NeNe and Kim are friends again? Not so fast. Doesn’t seem like it, by the looks of next week’s reunion! I’m convinced that Sheree is the bad seed. Let the catfight BEGIN!
11:01 KIM AND BIG POPPA BROKE UP?!?!?!?! Before we could find out his identity!? This is tragic! Kim had better rat him out next week! Clive Davis? Quincy Jones? That Atlanta real estate guy? Spill it, Barbie!