Michael K, our favorite gossip blogger/gay-at-large, has his own lexicon. On his site, Dlisted, he coins turns of phrase even more legendary and outrageous than the crazy cast of characters he covers on his beat. Basically, the K is the Merriam-Webster of celeb smack talk! So in honor of his juicy jargon, we’ve assembled some fan art we call the DicKtionary — an alphabetical reference for reading the trash talkin’ hilarity that is Michael K.
Audrina Partridge, or rather, Ceiling Eyes, could have been a silent film actress. Audrina’s nickname totally summarizes the “off in space” look she always has on her face, although she also spends a lot of time on her back….
As in: “Ceiling Eyes moves out of LC’s house of fake.”
Carrot Bottom is comedian Carrot Top. Michael K loves fire crotches. And nothing gets him hotter than Carrot Top, whom he has lovingly dubbed the double entendre “bottom.”
As in: “Then you want to lick Carrot Bottom’s eyebrows, because they taste like chili powder and DEP gel (the combination is addictive).”
Chichis are boobs, breasts, tits, ta-tas. The K is clearly a breast man.
As in: “Chichis are better than pillows. I’m gayer than a pair of giant pink bunny slippers and I still like taking chichi naps.”
Chicken Cutlets is the D-list ginger Phoebe Price. The National Enquirer’s cellulite cover girl, Phoebe Price, was the “Hot Slut of 2007.” The K loves her so much, he was the only one to cover her guest list scandal at a Chanel party. He’s like her personal CNN.
As in: “The hardest working pair of chicken cutlets in Hollywood!”
“Dreamboat Doherty” is the drug addict, er, dreamy lead singer of Baby Shambles, Pete Doherty. Michael K loves a train wreck and the most beautiful rubbernecking accident of all is the baby faced Brit.
As in: “Yes, I’d still rub my no-no parts all over Dreamboat Doherty’s nuclear war zone face.”
Empress of Lucite is Shauna Sand, Lorenzo Lamas’ ex-wife and a former Playboy Centerfold. The Empress of Lucite will not be caught in public without her beloved plastic stripper pumps. Michael K and the platform shoe have lifted that glamour queen up to where she belongs!
As in: “After this picture was taken, several hos around the Empress of Lucite were rushed to the free clinic and treated for severe exposure to concentrated elegance.”
Fishticks Paltrow is the light and lean Gwyneth.
As in: “Here’s some pics of Vadge with the other fake Brit, Fishsticks, going to the gym together.”
Fuggie Fug is otherwise known as pop tart Fergie.
As in: ”If you haven’t heard Fuggie Fug’s song for the ‘Sex & the City’ movie, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. If caca had a theme song, this would be it.”
Gabriel Aubry is Halle Berry’s Hot Sperm Donor. Michael is the first to admit, Gabriel has clearly got liquid gold in his pants.
As in: “If Halle is engaged to Hot Sperm Donor, she better get at least two prenups.”
Hasselcrack is “The View’s” resident Republican, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Only crazy Elisabeth could make the other bitches on “The View” seem like they’re not on crack.
As in: “Here’s Hasselcrack, her daughters and a big tranny pony at the premiere of ‘My Little Pony Live!’ at Madison Square Garden tonight.”
Jessica “Chestica Simpson is the busty Jessica Simpson. Michael K loves boobs (see chichis) and who has a bigger rack on her body than in any record store? Jessica!
As in: “You know President Bush was too busy looking at Chestica’s chest to figure out what was going on.”
La Pequena is a YouTube entertainer/Latina tranny who makes music videos in which she impersonates famous people from Sarah Palin to Amy Winehouse.
As in: “La Pequena makes a convincing woman as much as Brooke Hogan does.”
MiserAlba is total downer Jessica Alba. K knows, she’s only happy when it rains, so he taunts her.
As in: “MiserAlba took time out from her busy schedule of frowning, yelling at the walls and writing a letter to Cash Warren on the ’100 reasons why she hates him’ to deliver pressies to some knocked up under age girls.”
Our Lady of Cheetos is Britney Spears, who is also known as Brit Brit. Spears loves the paparazzi more than her precious little “cheetolets” (children).
As in: “Adnan claims that he does have a tape of him and Our Lady of Cheetos bumping pork rinds in Mexico when she was going through that whole ‘I’m bats**t crazy and loving it’ phase.”
Pepaw is a GILF (Grandpa I’d Like To….). A term usually reserved for hotties like Harrison Ford, the K will also toss it out for old stars down on their luck, like Ed McMahon.
As in: “Clint [Eastwood] is seriously one hot pepaw. I just want to lay in the sun with him and play connect-the-liver-spots on his naked body.”
Prince Harry, Michael K’s beloved Prince Hot Ginge. A celeb red carpet event is truly the meeting of two of Michael K’s obsessions.
As in: “Genitals everywhere immediately got all tingly, because Prince Hot Ginge was in their midst! And the carpet matched the drapes.”
Rojo Caliente is Christine Marinoni, Cynthia Nixon’s girlfriend. Even redheaded lesbians do it for the K. On second thought, maybe that explains his thing for girlie Carrot Top?
As in: “Dancing cheek-to-cheek with Rojo Caliente to a Melissa Etheridge song would make my life.”
Shia LaDouche is the nickname for “Indiana Jones” star Shia LaBeouf. Despite his DUI, the K is still concerned he won’t be able to crack a whip.
As in: “Shia LaDouche may lose his pinky! The pinky is my favorite finger, so I’m sad to hear about this.”
The first spawn of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis is model/party girl, Tater Head, aka Rumer Willis. The K usually just wants to bash/mash the Ms. Potato Head.
As in: “Tater Head is really starting to grow on me like a wonky potato eye.”
Tommy Girl is Tom Cruise. Michael is sure Tommy only has eyes for Will Smith, John Travolta and Matt Lauer, and everybody knows, Oprah’s got a va-jay-jay.
As in: “Why is Tommy Girl looking at Oprah like she’s got a 10-inch dick?”
Vadge is the nickname for Madonna (also known as Madge). For the K, she really is THE material girl.
As in: “This also means that Vadge the Cougar has been released from her cage. Mothers, hold on to your 20-something sons, Vadge is coming for them!”
Wonky McValtrex is arguably his best moniker for Paris Hilton. Michael K is no fan of her crotch accoutrement, whether it’s Swarovski encrusted or otherwise.
As in: “Wonky McValtrex isn’t the only raggedy tampon looking for a best friend on MTV.”
Amy Winehouse has gone from being simply Wino to the “Crackie of Camden”. Michael K has a knack for evolving your nickname to go along with the seriousness of your drug problem. He is sensitive like that.
As in: ” If you ever think you have it really f**king bad, just think of the Crackie of Camden’s nose.”
Dina Lohan thinks she’s White Oprah, which is why she always has to have the last word. Gee, Lindsey Lohan’s mom must be full of good advice!
As in: “White Oprah is apparently livid after finding out that her 14-year-old (going on 45-year-old) daughter unwittingly auditioned for a well-known porn director.”