I tried marriage and I don’t understand the attraction. I hated it. It’s such hard work. I had to organize the maids, the chef, assistants, chauffeurs, gardeners. All that staff. Exhausting. What really did it for me was when my husband told me he wanted children. Can you imagine? Ruining your figure for babies; those smelly things that leak at both ends?
At the beginning of a marriage everyone is on their best behavior. Everyone is pretending to be something their not. He’s pretending to be terribly fascinated in everything you say, he brushes his teeth, acts like a super stud in the bedroom, and living room, and kitchen… And we women pretend that he’s our “super hero,” we wear high heels and naughty little teddies, we shave our legs everyday. But six months and he’s turned deaf and dumb, your legs are hairy, neither one of you has brushed your teeth, you pick your nose and he picks his butt. He farts, you burp. The teddies have been replaced with sweats; he sits in front of the TV with the “game” on, mumbling, a beer in hand. You barely speak to each other; you’re too tired to have sex. Marriage. What is the advantage?I like to have sex, more than once a week. I’d rather have my freedom, than a housekeeper’s life. She can have the babies, the smell and the noise. I’ll have the men after a night out with the boys. Just give me diamonds (or emeralds, or rubies, or gold), take me to the Ritz, Le Dome, The Peninsula. Bring me roses; I’ll dress up like a nurse. And don’t ever forget to leave a little something in my purse.
And as a mistress I get beautiful, expensive baubles. And a man who is attentive. I don’t mind him leaving (after heavy breathing) in the middle of the night. I need my sleep, I don’t need the snoring and tossing and turning (not to mention morning breath). The wife can have him for the weekends (with those darling little screaming children along with the in-laws. I’ll shop and have dinner with my girlfriends.