Doin’ It With Dr. V: Guide To UTIs

Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My passion for pleasure has happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but has also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

Urinary tract infections (UTIs) are about as common as people who voted for Barack Obama. Roughly 50% of women have had one — myself included! Sex is dirty in a good way, if you’re doing it right, but sometimes it can be dirty in a bad way. UTIs are caused by bacteria gettin’ all up in your nether-regions and some ladies are particularly prone to them. But the good news is, it can go away almost as quickly as you came! So here’s the 411 on the common crotch conundrum…HOW IT HAPPENED TO ME
I pity screwed a “nice guy.” Alas, we were drunk and he nearly slipped his junk in my trunk. Oopsie! While he finally found my merchandise, he probably carried some back stock with him. Just like wiping, with sex you should never ever go back to front.

WHO’S TO BLAME
Shockingly enough, no one! UTIs are usually caused by a buildup of bacteria, usually the E. coli hanging around your booty, which manages to migrate to your vajayjay. This is not like an STI you’re getting second hand — your partner did not pass it to you.

SIGNS
My UTI came on stronger than a man soaked in cologne. I had to pee like I never had to pee before. Then when I did, there was blood in it. Um, scary! Plus, it hurt, like I peeing fire. Be on the look out for:

  • Cloudy, stinky urine
  • An urgent need to pee
  • Peeing only a little bit, but a lot of the time
  • Drips of blood
  • Painful urination
  • WHAT TO DO
    UTI are responsible for seven million doctor visits a year! However, as I learned thanks to my crappy health insurance, making an appointment for routine antibiotics can annoy a busy physician who will happily call you in a prescription without an emergency check up. UTIs are usually not a big deal and you should be able to take care of them with your regular doc and a prescribed round of medication. Rarely do UTI become chronic, however, if you just can’t seem to shake it, you can get on a regimen of antibiotics to keep beating off the bacteria. In some cases, doctors will prescribe medication that numbs the pain. Bonus! These meds can turn your #1 bright blue or orange, just like milk in sugary cereal!

    WHERE I WENT WRONG
    Because my Pee-gate 2008 happened over the weekend, I panicked. I was peeing blood urgently every fifteen minutes. And it hurt like nothing else! So, I decided to take these Japanese meds my friend picked up after she developed a UTI from a sexploit while on vacation a couple years ago. I had no idea what they were, since none of us could read the package, and after three days, I was peeing in pain. It doesn’t have to be that tragic for you!

    TIME TABLE
    Don’t procrastinate on getting treated, because it’s easy to clean up this hot mess! UTI are not permanent, but it’s not going to get better on its own, and you definitely don’t want it spread to your kidneys. Kidney infections can be life threatening, so a UTI should always be dealt with promptly. So, pick up your phone, call your doctor, and get a prescription. In most cases, three days of antibiotics will solve all your tinklin’ troubles.

    EMBARRASSMENT FACTOR
    None. UTI aren’t an STD or contagious. There’s no social taboo to cause unwanted judgment. Almost everybody gets a UTI at some point in their life, so while it’s not exactly dinner party conversation, you can feel free to discuss it in good company without any shame.

    TIPS

    Drink Lots Of Fluids: Sure this seems contrary to common sense when you have to pee constantly, but it actually helps flush the bacteria out and reduce the symptoms. Pure cranberry juice — not the sweet and delicious kind, but the bitter healthy version — really helps. I like to add club soda to it to dilute it and make it more delicious. Be sure to avoid coffee, soda, and citrus drinks because they just aggravate your symptoms. You can also take cranberry pills if you really can’t stand the juice. Now here’s the bad news — you gotta stay off of the sauce. No booze whatsoever, as alcohol will stop the recovery process.
  • Pee Before And After Sex: You can cuddle later. Women are much more likely to get UTI then men and hosing down your lady house helps show the bacteria the door.
  • Heat It Up: Just like when you’re on the rag, a heating pad on your tummy can take care of some of the abdominal pain.
  • Don’t Hold It: Pee when you want and need to. Waiting increases your risk of developing a UTI.
  • Get Wet: Don’t do it dry, add lube when necessary.Irritated skin is more susceptible to infection, so keep the chaffing to a minimum.
  • SEXY TIMES
    While UTI are a bummer, you can still have sex while you have one (if you actually are in the mood!) since your vagina isn’t the one with the problem.

    FUNKY FACTS

  • “Honeymoon cystitis” is the slang term for getting a UTI from doing it a lot.
  • Men don’t get UTI from sex, only women do. Lucky bastards!
  • Diaphragms and douches can increase your risk for UTI.
  • The urinary tract infection is the second most common type of infection. Respiratory infection is still #1!
  • Only 12% of men ever have a UTI.
  • [Mayo Clinic]
    [Everyday Health]
    [Stanford HPRC]
    [Family Doctor]
    [Urology Health]

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