Marriage: Who Should Really Be Banned

Last night, I went to bed proud to be an American! But this afternoon, other issues on the ballot, like Proposition 8, made me extra blue, and not in the cool way. Sadly, some of our fellow Americans in California, Arizona, and Florida think they have the right to discriminate against homosexual love and ban an entire community from marrying. WTF? Did you people not see how adorable the Portia and Ellen wedding pics were?! Well, looking at heterosexual divorce rates, perhaps marriage itself is the lost cause. So, if America can’t support a partnership based on love, whose relationships should we really be concerned about? [San Francisco Chronicle]

1. Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston: Hello, shotgun wedding. Maybe Juno wants to fly solo? Perhaps being a single mom is better than being forced into marriage to keep up appearances. Especially when those appearances are pointless now!

2. Anyone Who Uses A Reality TV Show To Date: Especially if they’re giving their potential mate nicknames like “Token” or only show affection when there’s a camera pointed in their direction.

3. Charlie Sheen: Notorious for repeatedly being a violent, substance abusing philanderer, he has just remarried for the third time. Sheesh, take a hint ladies! Even hookers won’t go there anymore.

4. Criss Angel and Holly Madison: Their union could ruin the whole dynamic on “Girls Next Door.” Let’s face it, someone needs to step in before it becomes “The Kendra Show!” That laugh could put another crack in the Liberty Bell.

5. Mail-Order Brides: There is an entire matchmaking website devoted to displaying beautiful mail-order amputee brides from Russia who are looking to get taken in by American men. Hopefully, they won’t just get taken.

6. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson: In this energy crisis, we don’t trust couples that could easily share a flat iron, but refuse to conserve at the cost of their bangs.

7. Karl Rove and Dick Cheney: Okay, they’re not married, but their partnership is pretty unbearable to watch. They’re a couple that just bring out the worst in each other.

8. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey: Slick Nick re-gifted his exes engagement ring and gave it to Mariah Carey. Classy move!

9. Sandals and Socks: Some people think it’s all right for them to go together. But fashionistas know the eyesore threat they pose!

10. Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn: You should never be allowed to call someone your daughter/wife.