Liveblogging “True Blood”!

9:14 For the record, I am pretty sure I have the demon inside me, and his name is Mr. Wine.

9:01 Wheeeeee, it’s time!
9:02 For the record, I am eating a turkey sandwich. Also, I just love how bloooooody this show is. Well, that may have been a little much for me, considering how much mustard is on my sandwich.
9:04 This show has an awesome opening sequence. I feel like there’s so much to notice.
9:06 I get why blood would taste better warm, I guess, instead of on ice.
9:08 Jason is a disaster. And I love that Amy is still all “mellow out” despite kidnapping a vampire.
9:09 There’s vampire in yo’ cleavage. Are all vampires bisexual? I think so.
9:11 Eww, I bet vamp blood is salty. Is V the new E? I think so. Jason is sooooo weak willed.
9:14 For the record, I am pretty sure I have the demon inside me, and his name is Mr. Wine.
9:15 Sookie and Bill need to celebrate being alive by having sex now. Instead, Jason is having sex again. Ever since I found out he’s Australian in real life, he’s more attractive. His sex scenes are RAUNCHY though.
9:17 OH NO! The cat died! Anna Paquin kind of has bad skin.
9:20 Jason is kind of Matthew McConaughey-esque. Eww, hello Gwyneth Paltrow, Amy is a raw foodist. Gag. I think she’s probs going to die.
9:24 Who has the worst Southern accent on this show? I vote for Tara or Sookie.
9:26 Oh Tara and her emotional detachment.
9:28 Rene is the hottest under-appreciated guy on this show. Jason reminds me of those straight edge guys who don’t eat meat, but like to beat up on homeless people.
9:31 Color me officially tired of Jason getting more naked screen time than Bill. Ugh.
9:33 Amy reminds me of an interesting conundrum — is it better to be too good for the person you’re with, or have them be too good for you?
9:35 For example, nothing Sam does will make him good enough for me to like him.
9:37 I cannot believe Bill plays Wii.
9:39 Poor gay vamp.
9:41 Hello, are Sookie and Bill going to get it on before Bill goes away?! Hahaha, the vamps are flyering. Awesome.
9:44 I’m sorry, but how is weak ass Sam supposed to protect Sookie?
9:47 Ooooooh, Amy is more dangerous than a vamp? Could she be the killer?! Also, I am 99% sure I can do a better Southern accent than Tara. And Sookie. And Anna Paquin has an Oscar so that’s saying a lot.
9:49 This is shallow, but thing that bugs me most about Sam is his hair. His hair is stupid and so is his facial scruff. Ack! Sookie just told Amy she’s staying at Bill’s because no one will go looking for her there. Amy is the effing killer, I just know it. Okay maybe I’m wrong. Whatever.
9:52 SAM IS THE DOG! SAM IS THE DOG! Maybe? How is that possible? Sometimes him and the dog are together. Wait, maybe the dog is his little messenger, like one of those pigeons from World War I or II. But wait, the dog won’t look at her in her panties — must be lame old Sam. Ugh, this is so confusing.
9:54 Okay, Dean the Dog is obvi Sam. But why do Sam’s clothes disappear when he shapeshifts back? And I still don’t understand how Sam and the dog have coexisted in the same space. There have been one or two scenes in previous episodes where the two of them were together. EXPLAIN IT TO ME WRITERS! Also, explain to me why I got no naked Sookie/Bill sex this episode. I am going to bed unsatisfied.

Until next time. For the record, there are three episodes left this season.