The 10 Shocking Things I’ve Learned From The Guys On My IM

The guys on my IM, while occasionally boneheaded, shallow, and doofusey, are, in general, really nice guys who have been incredibly honest with their opinions on matters of sex and dating and love. As a result, I’ve learned so much about the opposite sex! Over the last seven months, these guys have opened my eyes, rocked my world, and, at times, made me realize just how wrong I was about men. After the jump, the 10 most surprising, fascinating, and soul-shaking revelations I’ve had, thanks to them.1. Men Are Quick To Decide If They A Woman
“I think we generally decide if we like you much sooner than women decide…. I think it’s less likely for a woman to grow on a guy than for a guy to grow on a woman.” — The Sports Nut
Um. What? Really? I spent the majority of dating career trying to turn boy friends into boyfriends, but you’re telling me my boy friends decided within moments of meeting me whether I am future girlfriend material? No wonder I was such a failure…

2. Guys Like Crazy, High-Maintenance Women Because They’re “Safe”
“With crazy girls, there’s no pressure. You can be a total screw-up because, hey, the girl is outta her mind anyway.” — The Experienced Guy
This makes a lot of sense — I know so many pain in the ass, high maintenance women who always have boyfriends — but when I think about it, their boyfriends are kinda messed up or insecure too.

3. Guys Really Don’t Want To Know The Look Of Their Own O-Face
“We want to see the whole dirty thing from the third person…. I don’t want to watch a porn starring myself, wherein I’m constantly starring at the camera.” — The Sensitive Guy
So, the legions of amateur porns stars on XTube and YouPorn may disagree, but the Guys On My IM, should they ever make a naughty homemade porn, would make sure that the only visible part of their body was their manhood. Hmm…but how do the women in these videos feel about seeing THEIR o-face?

4. Guys Don’t Really Stress About Penis Size
“If you’re tiny, you probably know it. If you’re big, you probably know it. If you’re in the middle, then hope girls say positive things and believe it.” — The Experienced Guy
When I asked these guys about their body insecurities, I didn’t think I would have to pry more for info about their weens. I assumed they all worried about whether they were big enough when they had sex with a girl, but it turns out that all those years watching porn only led to unrealistic expectations of what women should look/sound like during sex, not the other way around!

5. If They Had A Vagina For Even A Day, They Still Wouldn’t Have Sex With A Dude
“I realize this is a ridiculous hypothetical, but I couldn’t have sex with a guy. Totally unappealing, even with a vag. I’d prolly also be open to my girlfriend–or…an attractive lipstick lesbian–to do me with a strap-on.” — The Experienced Guy
When we asked women what they would do if they had a penis for a day, every single one of them wanted to get blow jobs and have incredible amounts of sex with women. Men are clearly so hung up on not appearing gay in even a ridiculous, hypothetical, imaginary, NEVER COULD HAPPEN scenario to even consider having sex with a man. Way to miss out, boys!

6. Men Who Desire A Domestically Skilled Partner Are Secretly Scared A Career Woman Will Want To F**k Them With A Strap-On
“I used to know lots of girls that really wanted an alpha male spouse but they were investment banker and lawyer types. Purposefully or not, those girls end up with wimps they can dominate. [Two professionals in a relationship can’t work] — not without a strap on in the bedroom.” — The Prepster
This fascinates me because it assumes that a person can’t be an Alpha at work but a Beta at home, or vice versa. I had a boss once who was super Alpha at work — demanding, kinda mean, and really, really intimidating — but at home, his wife wore the pants. And he was happy!

7. They Love To Be Sexually Seduced
“Oh Christ, seduce away!” — The Hipster Guy
Even though they’ve admitted that there’s a fine line between perfectly flirtatious and overly aggressive when it comes to pursuits of the more long-term variety, men love it when a woman takes them down as a sexual conquest and nothing else. This makes so much sense to me — one time, in college, I shoved a guy up against a bar wall and told him he was going home with me. He was so into it — but then when I told him I was in love with him, like, a week later, he took off! Funny huh?

8. Guys May Have Girlfriend “Types” But They’ll Hook Up With Just About Anyone
“[Girls I would hook up with] are usually the complete opposite of my type… like some dirty fake titted filth…. I just think that when you’re with someone for a long time, the idea of something different than what you have fuels attraction sometimes.” — The Music Nerd
Basically, if you hook up with a guy who usually dates girls who are different from you, that’s a good sign it’s not going to go further than the bedroom. HOWEVER, if you are, say similar looking to maybe Rachel McAdams, and Ryan Gosling broke up with her, and then met you, you probably will have a good shot of him falling in love with you.

9. Chances Are, Right Now, He’s Probably Jerking Off
“Twice a day.” — Blakeley
“Five days a week, on average. It’s not like I take weekends off.” — Anonymous
“Six or seven times a week.” — Anonymous #2

And not in the shower either! Apparently, despite everything we’ve seen in movies, guys have a hard time coming standing up. Or maybe it’s the water that distracts them. I don’t know.

10. Guys Really, Really, Really Hate Condoms
“Sex with a condom is like eating a meal with a mouthful of trash bag.” — The Tortured Soul
“It’s like, seeing Loch Ness monster, me getting off wearing a condom, then finding the sasquatch, in order of likelihood of happening.” — The Sensitive Guy
“It’s definitely muted and dull, like hearing music on a transistor radio through a wall versus through high-end headphones. And it feels artificial. Like, there’s the vague sense that you could be dry-humping grandma’s plastic-covered couch instead of having sex with a human being.” — The Experienced Guy
“It’s like driving a car with gloves on, vs. driving a car with gloves off. The car still goes, you just feel it more with the gloves off.” — The Married Guy

And this, ladies, is why we’ll probably see a litany of condom alternatives before we’ll see, I dunno, a cure for breast cancer.