Genius Idea: Divorce Registries

It’s no secret that those in charge of deciding what and who deserves a holiday, the legal system, the government, and even the universe has something against single people. That explains why people getting married get to register for whatever expensive crap they want and people actually buy it for them — because we’ve been inudated since birth with the knowledge that people who are in love DESERVE PRESENTS.

Well, I’m here to say, that’s B.S. Why don’t we have divorce registries? And parties for people who have just been dumped and no longer have pots and pans because they’re crummy ex took them when he moved out? I got lost four times driving to Ikea this weekend because the ex took our (okay, his) dresser so I needed a new one. I didn’t end up buying a dresser, however, because A) the box weighed 300 pounds and I’m too pathetically weak to carry it and B) I don’t have a second person to help me put furniture together anymore anyway. I did come home with candles, wine glasses, and picture frames.
The point is, couples are celebrated. But what if one half of the couple decides to be a doofus and takes off — with half of the couple’s stuff? It seems to me that there’s no better time for gifts than when you’re depressed. I think there should be divorce and breakup registries so that people can reacquire the things they’ve lost in the split. Like those pots and pans I mentioned. I had to cook dinner in these weird metals bowls last night. It was a total fire hazard.