In last night’s final presidential debate, “Joe The Plumber” was mentioned by the candidates NINE times. You know what that means? Joe The Plumber is famous! More famously than Joe Six-Pack even! So who the hell IS Joe The Plumber, besides an obviously perfect name for a stock porn character? Well, turns out Joe The Plumber is, in fact, a real dude by the name of Joe Wurzelbacher. Hailing from Toledo, Ohio, the reason why he was discussed so frequently during the debate is because Joe plans to open his own plumbing business. McCain alleges that under Obama’s tax plan, Joe’s taxes would be raised because his small business could make more than $250,000; Obama says that his desire isn’t to punish successful small business owners like Joe, it’s that he wants to spread the wealth and allow other people to succeed as well. Whatever — you can decide how you feel about their tax plans when you go to vote on November 4th. More important, however, is what Joe The Plumber is going to do with his newfound fame! Acting as his imaginary agent/manager, I have some ideas…
- Make TV Talk Show Appearances: Dance on “Ellen”, side with Elisabeth Hasselbeck (for once!) on “The View”, make your favorite burger with Rachael Ray and give it a name like “Joe The Plumber’s Clog Your Arteries Beef Burger!”
- Consider Movies/Television Acting Offers: Susan Lucci needs a sexy plumber to fix her clogged toilet on “All My Children”; Mr. Clean needs a new spokesman!; the sequel to “Nailin’ Palin’” is being cast, accept bit role (no nudity!) in “Bridge To Where The Sun Don’t Shine” in the segment titled “Layin’ Pipe”.
- Celebrate Halloween: After all, this year you’re the cheapest Halloween costume bald men everywhere can find. Grey T-shirt? Check! Bald head? Check! Plunger? Check! You can’t go as yourself, though, so go as Moby, Billy Corgan, or Michael Stipe.
- Do Some Pro-Bono Work: It’s good for PR. You can start with my friend Gillian’s apartment — her landlord refuses to hook up her washer/dryer!
- Start A Line Of Toupees: Even confident bald men like to have options for special occasions.
- …Or Celebrate Bald Pride: BaldRUs, which rejects the Hair Club For Men, needs the buzz!
- Considering Your Dating Options: You may be married NOW, Joe, but 50% of marriages end in divorce — luckily, there’s an online dating personals site just for you!
- Start A Fashion Trend: Plumber’s crack isn’t wack! It’s BACK!