The Frisky’s 8 Things That Should Be Sexy, But Aren’t

Ironically, many of the items marketed for sexy times are actually huge turnoffs. Like a skirt-chasing guy who reeks of desperation, they’re gross, they’re unnecessary, and they make things uncomfortable. These eight products can be used to show of your goods, but we don’t recommend it:

Chocolate Cooch Hugh Hefner’s #1 girlfriend recently gave him a very intimate birthday present: a chocolate mold of her vagina. They just broke up, so apparently it wasn’t enough.Banana Hammocks If you wanna Wang Chung tonight, do not put your junk in a sling. Lime green spandex is a handicap, even for the fittest stripper. Butt cheeks and tiny underwear are eye-catching, but the hammock is just too swinging. Gentlemen, there are better ways to show off your assets.

Mirror On The Ceiling Sex is chock full of stimulation for your senses, but do you really need that extra eyeful? Normally, when it comes to getting naked, we can just roll with it — no need to remind us of the reason our jiggly butt is behind us. The last thing you want to be in the sack is self-conscious.

Leather Pants My grandma’s got a pair of these things, nuff said. Unless you’re Sheryl Crow or into to them for fetish purposes, leather pants will make you look like you’re going through a midlife crisis.

Free Porn It’s true, the best things in life are free. However, not every freebie is hot. Just because someone has a video camera and a willing partner doesn’t make their doing it steamy, or even watchable. Intercourse can be performed by amateurs, but film making should almost never be. Leave porn to the professionals!

Edible Undies Sure, we all like to get munched on, but a fruit rollup for your crotch isn’t tasteful for either party. Who wants corn syrup sticking up their vag when they’re try to do it?

Dick In A Box With Halloween coming up, slutty costumes are on everyone’s minds. However, we’re pretty positive that no one who wore last year’s super popular Saturday Night Live “Dick in a Box” outfit got laid that night. Yeah, Justin Timberlake is irresistible and has a great sense of humor, but a funny guy that tries to lure you into his pants with a “surprise” is creepy year round.

Fishnet Mesh Shirts You want to show off your bod, but casting that wide a net over your torso, just makes it seem like you’re not that choosy, and also cheesy. Case in point: Right Said Fred. You think you’re too sexy for a shirt? That’s so unsexy, it hurts!