Dealbreaker: The Manorexic

There are so many things involved in attraction. From clothing to chemistry, a never-ending list of items can be turn-offs. But sometimes differences are a turn-on, from magnets to men, you know what they say: opposites attract. Still, some things are so repellent, they’re deal breakers.

I truly believe that the number one reason to get a boyfriend is to let yourself go. Not like “let yourself go” in a Britney kind of way – that’s scary – but let yourself go in a “let’s get a little fat together” kind of way. You get to do things in a couple that you don’t get to do when you’re single. Like get popcorn at the movies. Or spend an entire day drinking beer and eating buffalo wings any time between, I don’t know, September and January (football season). Good, wholesome, highly caloric activities that involve a lot of sitting. That’s high quality couple time.

It is with this mentality that I enter most relationships – which is why when I began dating a Manorexic, I quickly recognized the symptoms and got the eff out of there. My Manorexic — let’s call him Craig (as in Jenny) — seemed great. He was smart, handsome, gainfully employed, drank in moderation, and still had both balls – I was sold. Things took a turn for the worse, though, on our first dinner date. While trying to fatten me up like Hansel and Gretel, Craig stuck to salad – and when he was ordering he uttered those dreaded words, “dressing on the side.” I almost had a coronary. He also forced me to taste his dry lettuce salad and insisted that I order dessert – which he didn’t touch.

Several more dates revealed my worst fears to be true. Craig was a full blown Manorexic and there was nothing I could do about it. Thus, to save my sisters from a similar fate, I’ve compiled a list – the top five signs you are dating a Manorexic. Read ‘em and eat.

  1. He considers a smoothie to be a meal or a meal substitute.
  2. He wants to walk everywhere. This is a patented Manorexic trick. It is undercover calorie burning and it’s evil. The first time Craig proposed we “walk home” after a night out, I lauded his thoughtful romanticism. But the six subsequent times, I knew he just wanted to get in those 10,000 steps a day. Plus, I don’t know about you, but my walk home at 3 a.m. is more of a “stumble” than a stride.
  3. He shows you a picture on your first date of what he “used to look like.” That’s right. Craig, at one point, came it at a whopping deuce and a half, and insisted on whipping out his driver’s license to prove it. Mazel Tov on the weight loss, but when you’re on a first date, you best be sending the hottest version of you. And the best version of you did not used to be fat. Dude, my breasts aren’t this big and my skin isn’t this perfect — but save it for date two.
  4. He uses words like “carb” and “trans fat.” Craig once told me that “abs are made in the kitchen.” Yeah, well so is cheesecake.
  5. When you’re both hung over and you order a hamburger while he gets egg whites and fruit — and eyes your plate enviously.