Real Chick Lit: “The Smart Girl’s Guide To Getting Even”

After J. broke up with me my senior year in high school, I was pissed. Livid. Just a few weeks earlier, he told me he loved me, we went to prom and all was glorious in the world. What the heck? After a few weeks of having an intimate rebound relationship with a box of Kleenex, I became dead-set on making his life as unpleasant as he had made mine.

In order to exact my revenge, my best friend and I went to the mall where the kids who went to his high school always hung out. We approached every high-school aged girl we could find, asked if she knew J., and then told her to stay away from him and his terrible case of back-ne. Mature? Hell no. Satisfying? Undeniably.

Though I think my plan was rather brilliant, I probably would have received some nice inspiration had Alison Grambs’ book “The Smart Girl’s Guide To Getting Even” been around in 1994. In it, she offers all sorts of perfectly legal yet wholly satisfying ways to get back at the Js — i.e. the complete and total jerks — of the world. After the jump, find a sampling of her I-will-not-go-down-quietly strategies. The Charity Case: Getting dumped can make a girl feel terribly exposed. Vulnerable. Naked. So why not give your ex a taste of what you’re going through? Unless your ex resides at a nudist commune, chances are he depends on his clothes. So, imagine the predicament he’ll be in when he opens his closet to find only the hangers remaining. Bag up all every single item of clothing he owns — underwear, shirts, jeans, suits, ties, socks and shoes — even that ridiculous rodeo belt buckle he paid $500 for on eBay despite never having sat on a horse. Stuff everything into some heavy-duty garbage bags and deliver them to the nearest thrift shop for donation. Your former Knight in Shining Armor? Well, now he’s just a Knight In Hairy Nakedness.

Cain & Enable: He said he wanted to see “other people”. Well, why not see some “other people” yourself then? Namely, his brother. Imagine how awkward Thanksgiving dinner will be for your ex when he is forced to watch you and his (more handsome) bro canoodling across the table the whole time. If that gelatinous canned cranberry sauce his mother insists on serving each year doesn’t cause him to lose his appetite, your newly restored place in his family will! And that’s something to be most thankful for during the holiday season!

Beeeeeeeeeeep!: There are two sides to every story, and breakups are no different. You can bet your best lip gloss, however, that your ex hasn’t been truthful with his friends and family about just how cruel he was to you. Why not use the marvels of technology to help clarify the situation? Change his outgoing voicemail greeting or Facebook status to say, “Hi, I’m not here right now. I’m too busy breaking the heart of a loving woman who gave me everything, and asked for so little. Please leave a message at the beep and I’ll get back to you when I’m done being a complete jerk.” Tsk tsk. All those girls he gave his number to last night at the bar? Something tells us they won’t be leaving a message. Boo-hoo.

Make The Breath Of A Bad Situation: Communication is the key to a good relationship, but fresh breath and a polished appearance is the key to a hot date. And your ex is about to find out how terribly wrong things can go. When you stop by his place to remove the last of any personal belongings you have stashed there, ask to use the bathroom before you go. While in there, relieve yourself in his mouthwash bottle and maybe slip a little hair remover or pink dye into his shampoo while you’re at it. Looking good, stud boy.

Perfect His Playlist: Your ex messed with your head… now it’s time to mess with his. Swipe his mp3 player when he isn’t looking, and remove all his favorite music from it. Replace all his classic rock tunes with the recording of elderly tortoises mating on the Galapagos Islands that you picked up at the Discovery Channel store. He thought dating you was a headache? Ha! Just wait until he tries to work out at the gym to this soundtrack.