Shannen Doherty: Straight To The Top Of The C-List

In her 90210 rise to stardom, Shannen Doherty had it all — fame, fortune, and the most glamorous bitch face on television. Over a decade later, we’re genuinely surprised Shannen isn’t still in the public eye or happily hitched to some billionaire with a pompadour. But after being a brat and leaving the show that made her a household name, she’s still magically managed to keep her career afloat (though on life support) with made-for-TV movies and shows like Charmed. And now that she’s signed on to the new 90210, Shannen is poised again for serious stardom. So how can she take her life to the next level now that she’s suddenly gone from D-list to C-list? We here at The Frisky have some ideas to put this bitch back on magazine covers!

BEFRIEND:

  • Victoria Beckham: Sure, it may seem like slumming for Posh to befriend a woman who has made so many crappy sci-fi TV movies, but just remember, she used to be a Spice Girl. And Shannen could show her around her hometown. They would be a match made in mean and nasty heaven.
  • Jennie Garth: I know it’s total blasphemy to suggest Brenda and Kelly bury the hatchet, but seriously, they should form an alliance. They’re both going to be on the 90210 set together, so they might as well make the most of their time. And given the fact that the pair is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, many a joint photo shoot is in their future. They should take lunch at the Ivy, go shopping at Kitson, and make fun of Tiffani Thiessen’s career together.
  • Selma Blair: She’s funny, edgy, and, best of all, bitchy. She and Shannen could be the toast of parties if they paired up. Selma could help her turn her complaining pout into clever sarcasm with a smirk. Plus they’re both focusing their careers on the boob tube — Selma is on the upcoming British import, Kath & Kim this Fall.
  • START A WAR WITH:

  • The The Hills Cast: They’ve been called the real 90210, but there’s no substitute for Shannen! She should totally start railing on those fake tinsel town teases. And it would be so easy to take those inexperienced idiots down (see Brody Jenner below). Besides, nothing lands you in the tabloids like a reality TV war.
  • Tiffani (Amber — doesn’t use the middle name anymore!) Thiessen: She replaced Shannen as the bad girl on the original 90210. Now it’s time for them to have a face-off. Thiessen could use the publicity and who wouldn’t want to watch a decade old cat fight?! It’d be mythic, like Greek gods shooting each other with lightning — or Beverly Hills bitches slapping each other with their Longchamp hobo bags. This is the kind of fight you come out of retirement for!
  • DATE:

  • Brody Jenner He used to roll with Lauren Conrad on The Hills, so it’s time cougar Shannen got her claws in some 25-year-old flesh. He is from Olympian stock, was raised privileged, and loves women in the spotlight. Brody supposedly dated Nicole Richie just to get press, but if he got with Doherty he’d be the hot topic during the new 90210 press junket. Plus, we think Shannen wouldn’t mind getting some cross promotion on MTV, with maybe even a cameo on his upcoming show Bromance. And you know she will teach this womanizer a lesson!
  • Luke Perry: Call us romantics, but we think it’d be so cool if these old school lovers got it back together for reals. Their careers have gone similarly, he’s been doing TV cameos too, and he even went full-frontal on HBO’s prison drama Oz. Dylan and Brenda were hot on screen on the original 90210 and you know they still carry the torch for the years they spent together.
  • Pete Doherty: The broken-hearted Babyshambles front man is a talented lover who is looking for a new obsession now that Kate Moss has officially moved on. Bonus points for Pete because Shannen wouldn’t have to change her name if they got married — but they have more in common than that. Both Doherty’s are animal lovers and Pete would totally fit in at Shannen’s ranch with all those horses and dogs. Besides, something tells us if anyone could get this addiction-prone rock star clean, it’s no-nonsense Shannen.
  • TO DO LIST:

  • Philanthropy = Publicity: Shannen is known for being a little self-absorbed, but she should get involved with a charity because it will bring her some positive press and glory. You know she loves attention! She should just speak up about something that actually matters rather than just whining about her co-stars. Plus she could pretend she was actually doing it to help humanity. We suggest she pose for PETA. A former Playboy model, Shannen loves animals and getting naked.
  • Cozy Up To Calvin Klein: Shannen needs to get a classic look — something that still nods to her ’90s fame, but is fresh and modern. If she became a designer’s pet, she could be a trend-setting fashion plate.
  • Appear On Oprah: When Shannen was a kid, both her parents faced life threatening illnesses. Luckily, they both survived but she could still cry to Oprah! Shannen would bring awareness to the diseases and herself. Plus, if notoriously tight-lipped Shannen shed a real tear, she would earn 10 times the sympathy of any other Oprah celebrity guest.
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