The Straight Guy Index: Ten Types Of Hetero Lovers

Yesterday, we delineated the celebrity lesbian personalities, from LUGs to Toppers, that create the broader Venn diagram of the womanly community. Since we love our readers, especially their comments, we decided to take reader “Lilo” up on her challenge to break down the different types of straight males. So, here’s to all the men we’ve loved before….

The Smarty Pants A true nerd, he talks in high-falutin’ lingo about the things he’s into. He’ll blame his intellectual snobbery on simple Darwinism. So, you can nod along all you want, but if you can’t keep up, you’ll either get bored or kicked to the curb. Example: Bill Gates

The Brooder This thoughtful guy fancies himself a philosopher. He thinks he’s sensitive, but he’s mostly just a downer. Like a turtle, he’s got a squishy body and a hard shell that he likes to retreat into. Example: Benicio Del Torro

The Nice Guy He’s as predictable as his wardrobe. Usually bored by his job, you’re his excitement. You can always count on him, although sometimes you wish he’d buy a motorcycle or do something crazy. But who needs a Harley when your grandma already loves him? Example: Will Smith

The Charmer Smooth talkin’, well-dressed, with a million dollar smile, this gentlemen looks good, but he isn’t. He’ll promise you the moon, but be warned that after he gets what he wants, he often doesn’t want it anymore. Still, he’s so suave, you’ll never look back in anger. Example: Jack Nicholson

The Sensitive Guy This is who the brooding artist pretends to be, but a truly sensitive guy cares more about others than himself. He may over-anticipate your emotions, he loves his family, and he’ll always want to leave the party early. But his bookshelf will keep him entertained for ages. Example: Ryan Gosling

The Jock He’s got a body under those baggy clothes and that usually gives him a bad rap for being dumb. But really, he’s smart enough to know how to sculpt his body and battle it out on the field, so give him some credit. Above all, keep an eye on him because athletes have many admirers. Example: David Beckham

The Kook This guy was made for costume parties. He has colorful taste and odd interests. Wacky, wild, and often mistaken for being gay, don’t doubt his eccentricities, enjoy them…that is if you don’t get freaked out. Example: Mike Myers

The Mama’s Boy This pushover likes to be babied. He needs your constant attention and you’ll often ask yourself, “What would he do without me?” If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll do what you want, but he’ll never love you more than his mama. Example: Justin Timberlake

The Napoleon He thinks he can dominate everything and everyone. While you might try to blame it on his peen size, he can be summed up best by a word that rhymes with “brick”. He’s a handful and a challenge and you’ll feel sorry for every waitress at the restaurants you go to. But when this fighter falls in love, he’ll go to romantic extremes to protect and care for you. Example: Gordon Ramsay

The Funny Guy Silly fun, he just wants to make everyone laugh and sometimes he tries waaaaaay too hard. But he’s just trying to be liked because he’s a little insecure. If you’re willing to always give him the acknowledgment he wants, even if you have to fake chuckle, you’ll be his dream girl. But beware, when you’re not in public, he may have a dark side. Example: John Mayer