The Lesbian Index: Nine Types Of Sapphic Lovers

Lesbianism is such a hot topic, some celebs even seem to be capitalizing on the media coming out party. While faux-mo’s make us want to barf, in general, the mainstreaming of what was once considered counterculture is exciting. Now heteros can finally play Indigo Girls’ records in public without being judged! But who are the trailblazing scissor sisters bridging their community? Since everyone’s personalities are a mixture of nurture and nature, here are the basic types of lesbians from which you can make-up the Venn diagram of lesbian society.

The Sophisticate Usually an artist or academic, this well read member of the intelligentsia is socially conscious without smelling like patchouli. An important public person, she’s a wise, loving role model. Example: Melissa Etheridge

The Tomboy She’s strong enough for a man, but made for a women. This gal wouldn’t be caught dead in a skirt! Naturally chivalrous, her attitude and outfit often make people question her gender. Example: Daniela Sea, Samantha Ronson, and Christine “Roja Caliente” Marinoni

The LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation) Maybe she’s stuck in an all-girls’ dorm, maybe she’s just experimenting because she’s at a small private college, but no matter what the impulse is, she’s just learning. Example: The kiddie you see just kissing another girl in a bar for 30 minutes straight without trying to slide into 2nd base.

The Lipstick Lesbian This girlie-girl is so girlie she likes girls. She isn’t afraid of attention and follows trends to a tee. Being a lesbian doesn’t make her look or feel like an outsider. She’s comfortable being her feminine self and that is why she is the dream girl male lesbian fantasies are made of. Example: Portia DiRossi and Lindsay Lohan

The Mama Smart and nurturing, she is ruled by her maternal instinct. Like a mother hen, she often spends her career caring for and teaching children. Example: That retired nun who taught you math or Rosie O’Donnell

The Hippie Homo Loves everyone and everything…except razors. Most of her music collection is jam bands and her favorite concert of all time was Ani DiFranco live, although the defunct Lillith Fair is a close second. She’s political, she’s spiritual, she’s au natural. Example: Bitch of “Bitch & The Exciting Conclusion”

The Attention Whore Why does she do the women she does? For attention. This crazy bitch likes women because she likes anyone she can perform for. Popular in the celeb realm, the audience can get a bit out of hand once the paps start flashing. Example: Paris Hilton and Aubrey O’Day

The Topper Powerful, professional, and aggressive tops like to dominate all areas of their lives. They’re stylish and clever, always sealing a deal. Example: Bette Porter from The L Word and Courtenay Semel

The DL Lesbian Although she’s gay all the way, she disguises her sexual orientation by claiming it’s merely an interest in rap culture. But let’s face it, baggy pants are still pretty revealing. Too bad those clothes are the only things coming out of the closet. Example: Missy Elliot, Jodie Foster, and Queen Latifah (we think)

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