Color me cynical ladies, but let’s face it—no matter how great your relationship might be going at the moment, chances are it’s going to end. And while breaking up is never pleasant, why make the inevitable anymore painful than it has to be? Since there are very few “great” ways to dump a man, we’re going to list all the ways you shouldn’t go about kicking your once-loved to the curb:
- Getting poetic. “Roses are red/Violets are blue/Garbage is dumped/And so are you!” You don’t want to put the poor boy off haiku and limericks for the rest of his life, do you? The lady who delivered this sendoff is one cruel—albeit fairly funny—cookie and now any time this poor schmo tries to buy a greeting card he’s going to be reminded of this humiliating moment.
- Antisocial networking. Did you hear about the guy who proposed to his girlfriend over Twitter? Yuck. Talk about the dork version of the Jumbotron half-time proposal! By the same token, breaking up with your boyfriend over Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or, perhaps worst of all—via your blog—is inexcusable.
- Hate mail. Only slightly less cowardly than those who send Dear John e-mails are those who make the mailman do their dirty work. My research suggests that men are especially talented at this: “A guy I was seeing sent me—via snail mail—a National Geographic Map of Natural Disasters,” reported one disgruntled dumpee. “No note, just the map.” Another woman I spoke with told me, “My college boyfriend of two years opted to break up with me via a handwritten letter. He explained he only loved me as a friend and wasn’t attracted to me anymore.” Nice. Let’s NOT emulate this, shall we?
- I H8 U. Text message breakups are tacky and should not be utilized by anyone over the age of twelve.
- “This is a recording.” While slightly less of a jerk move than the “IM dump-and-run”, leaving your date a heave-ho message on his voicemail is pretty weak and cruel. If you must do your ditching over the phone—at least wait until you get him on the line.
- The disappearing act.
Passive-aggressive be thy name—if you’re not woman enough to actually show someone to the curb, you’re not lady enough to date.
Vanishing into thin air is possibly the most over-utilized ditching technique and is only excusable if you’ve been out with him less than four times or are actually afraid of him.
- Make him do the dirty work. You’re too chicken to pull the plug yourself, so instead of being honest, you force his hand. Maybe you show up for your romantic weekend getaway with a hickey on your neck – not from him. Or perhaps you giggle at the size of his baby-making parts, or call his grandmother an old hag. Any way you cut it though, bad behavior is just cruelty to save you from looking like the bad guy. That’s beneath contempt. And guess what—you still come off as the jerk.
So the next time you want to end a relationship, do it with dignity. I find a simple “It’s not you, it’s me,” works every time. . . .