For The Week Of August 11-17, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Stop the boredom. If you’re committed, hit it from new angles and with newer tricks. If you’re single, scour new turf and try new types. The world is your playground, get as pervy as you want. Accept the demented things that get you off, as you’re lucky to even know what they are. Don’t let fettered curiosity kill your cat.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Flirting from the sidelines is only going to get you so far. You know that the time to make a move is now or never, even your instincts are getting tired of trying to signal your move. Time is wasting and although you hate being the one to make the first move, it’s time to learn a thing or two more about yourself — like, that when it comes down to it, you’re one forceful bitch.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio has three icons, the only sign to have such a distinction. You’re the scorpion, the eagle and the phoenix. This gives you the power to rise from the ashes, fly above or kill upon distress. Depending on how evolved you are, one of these three personalities will pop out this week as domestic duress hits you were it hurts. Let’s hope it’s the one that won’t require bail.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Idealism is your blessing as it is your curse. If you stop to listen to yourself talk about your latest love affair, you’ll see that all does not line your current story to a happily ever after ending. Sure, miracles can happen, but the odds of one happening to you and this guy are a gazillion to one. If that sounds good to you, then know your idealism is in fact a curse.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Money is your sex, so lay yourself on the line and get on top of your priorities. Pay off debt, reorganize investments — do anything proactive with your finances. Otherwise, paying attention to your love life will only make you crazy, as no one will be offering anything solid to rely on and if anything is going to comfort a gal like you, it’s solid facts and figures.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The power is in your hands to get your relationship moving to sexier shores, if you just say and show him what you want. Sure, your honey is as cute as a button, but when it comes to reading you, he’s not the brightest bulb in the box. Instead of wasting time, throw him a bone. The good news is he’ll be a fast learner.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Hearing news about your ex is always cause to run out and buy yourself something ridiculous. However, this time around instead of comforting yourself, you’ll be celebrating — celebrating being free from that a-hole and not stuck sharing his wretched life, playing mommy. You know it, feeling sorry for them is the best revenge.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Not all friendships can last forever. You learn what you can, be appreciative and if the time comes, leave in peace. Of course, that’s what any normal person would attempt to do — but you’re not normal. For you, this means turning up your heat to the umpteenth degree and going full throttle into warrior mode. (Lucky are the men that come onto your path.)

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Torturing your crush isn’t cute or effective. Sure, he’s retardedly messed up a thing or two, but hope is still out there. However, playing too hard isn’t going to give him inspiration to want to jump back in the game. Time to call a new play and get your ass back onto the scene, shaking it sweetly, as luring him with honey, not vinegar, will score you the winning point.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Between your cute sly smile, your charismatic style and effortless way with words, you’re capable of getting away with murder. Trouble is, when you meet your match, you have to rework your shtick. Luckily, you’re fast on your feet, especially when the motivation is getting on your back.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Stop living with drama and paranoia. End your bout of hypochondria and mark the 16th as your day to confront your own fears and get tested for all STDS and whatever else you’ve been freaking out about. One less drama in your life won’t just mean more peace of mind, but a smart way to feel like a virgin all over again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Tables are turning and your relationship will start to enter the dark side — AKA, not-all-about-you and this won’t bode well with you at all. It’ll mean making major decisions and a few adjustments. Luckily, time is on your side, so as long as you can defend your behaviors and throw in some remorse, those all-about-me days don’t have to die just yet.

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