Remember back when the mere mention of his name would give you a white-hot jolt to the heart? The sound of his voice was like an exquisite punch to the gut? His hand brushed against yours, and you’d get a warm swelling in the heart region? Yeah, well these days all you feel is sick to your stomach.
Though it seems most of us spend an inordinate time trying to get one, the truth is, once you land that boyfriend you’ve always wanted, you discover the truth— relationships can be a giant pain in the rear.
For example, unless you’ve worked out “an agreement” in advance, making out with the foxy third cousin you meet at Edna’s wedding is almost inevitably frowned upon. Plus there’s the whole upkeep aspect—an intimate relationship means vigilant grooming, if you catch my drift. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
While it’s true that no partnership can sustain itself without a certain amount of dreary maintenance work, sometimes a girl just has to perform a cost/benefit analysis and cut her losses. So how do you know when it’s time to kick him to the curbside and go back to complaining about being single? Here are a few signs:
- Sometimes when he’s talking, you hear the Charlie Brown teacher voice instead of his.
- Other times when he’s talking, you imagine jamming your index finger into his eye socket.
- Your web history shows a lot of activity around the Craigslist “casual encounters” section (regardless which of you is doing the browsing).
- You’ve never been the jealous type, but suddenly feel compelled to start snooping (unless you’re paranoid by nature, your gut is trying to tell you something).
- The thought of spending the rest of your life —or even the rest of the week—with him makes you gag a little.
- He tells you that you’re just like his mom—and doesn’t mean it as an insult.
- You don’t take it as an insult.
- When friends ask when the two of you are going to tie the knot, you either laugh hysterically or burst into tears.
- You’d rather stay home alone than go on your dream vacation with him.
- He comes home with a hickey.
- You come home with a hickey.
- You cry more often than you have sex.
- You’d rather have a good cry than have sex.
Next week—how to deliver the dumping.