Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The thing you don’t want to buy for yourself this week is Plan B (the morning-after pill) or a date with your gyno. Keep this in mind, as you’ll be more accident-prone, which can cause all sorts of dramatic consequences with a big price to pay. To avoid the trauma, ride the horniness out when possible no matter how enticing the prospects.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
There’s no miracle drug that’s going to cure the irritating habits of your man, and chances are this week his behavior will only aggravate you more. If this isn’t the norm, then this would be the ideal time for you to take a trip away from him to let the mood pass and gain perspective. If this is the norm, then time to send him on a trip for good.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
With your life moving in the fast lane, so will your standards. While those cute boys with a heart of gold and unfulfilled potential would have been able to get into your golden arches before, no longer will they seem so appealing — as you’ll learn this week. Sure, take one more ride for old times sake, but by the end, you see the thrill just isn’t what it used to be.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Lusting for someone at work starts messing with your mind. Thankfully, it’s summer and the office is running at a snail’s pace. This means, if you want to place your bets and source out the goods, this is your best time. However, be cautious about jumping in too fast. Strategy is key to getting your groove on without getting your ass fired.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
If you try to control every detail in your life, the boredom will eventually kill you. Break this habit by easing the death grip you have on your life right now. Trust you’ve put out more than enough efforts to go into cruise control and have life unravel at its own pace, surprising you sweetly with fated rewards that have a tastiness you couldn’t even imagine, until it happens.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Convention isn’t your style, nor will it ever be. This week, your pervy meter turns up a few notches and you’ll have all sorts of weird fixes. Don’t try to judge yourself or even try to sort it out. Best to take on the whims as they come and discover this new dimension to who you are. It’s sure to make you one popular bitch.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Co-dependence is inevitable in most relationships and this week, it’ll be your way of life. Yes, they’ll be something special about your honey that’ll make you mad for him. You’ll want to eat, sleep and dream about him 24-7. Thankfully, he’ll feel the same and together, you’ll make all your friends want to puke. So, for this week, be kind, keep it behind closed doors.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
People around you will be moving slower, making decisions slower and reacting slower. You on the other hand will be moving faster and feeling far more impatient than usual. To say the least, it’ll feel as you’ve landed on an alien planet with no sense of compassion. That’s right, they’ll be nothing very sexy about this week at all. Nonetheless, a week of good hair days is fated.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t be your worst enemy. Chances to hook up or get the relationship you want is most likely right under your nose. However, being too hung up on your preconceived notions has put you in the stubborn place of checking your list rather than being in the moment. Your assignment of the week: surprise that special someone with spontaneous sex at least twice.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
When you think of love, it’s all about conversations until sunrise, raucous sex, being part of a cute couple that dresses well, etc. A relationship to you is like a cupcake, a tiny morsel of sweetness that fills your soul with bliss — and so it should be. Just don’t forget, that special someone also needs to know how to nurture you while looking hot, otherwise, no deal.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A crossroads is coming, where you’ll find yourself juggling between two sides of your personalities with two different prospects. Although both options together suit your needs completely, you’ll need to make a choice and you’ll need to do it sooner than later or the universe will and it won’t be as forgiving.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
They’ll be no accounting for your tastes this week, as you curb your appetite for destruction and find your thrills on the cleaner, safer and more traditional side of the street. Of course, this will shock no one more than you, but the slowed pace will be a welcome change and as they say, variety is the spice of life.