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Mind Of Man: Five Things About Pregnancy That Will Eff You Up

You’ve heard about the mood swings, cravings, mania, and general awfulness your wife will be “blessed” with throughout her nine-month journey to motherhood. Here are five things your parent-friends will never tell you about pregnancy, probably because they’d just assume forget about them altogether:

Miscarriage. It seems to be almost inevitable. We’re not sure of the statistics, but an unscientific survey we did of three friends showed that every woman in the world will have at least one miscarriage. As a guy, you’d think that your rub-some-dirt-on-it-and-get-back-in-the-game attitude that you learned from your high school football coach (who was banging one of your classmates by the way) would be helpful. It’s not. Let her sister/mom/friends console her because you suck at it. Meanwhile, you’ll have some extra time to create a new, winning game plan.

It is not possible to describe experiencing a small human you helped create emerging from your wife. The happiness, relief, confusion, and nausea you’ll feel for weeks to come can easily be quelled by a couple of your wife prescription painkillers and a glass of vodka.

Odors. Early in the pregnancy you’ve probably heard that many different things will make a woman nauseous. Our friend Giovanni’s wife, for example, discovered the heavenly scent of tomato sauce would make her dry heave (mamma mia!). What’s more, she found that merely thinking about tomato sauce would make her sick to her stomach. Not to be outdone, Scott’s wife discovered that she couldn’t stand the smell of her grandmother’s basement. Only problem was that her grandmother’s house was bulldozed and turned into a mini-mall in the mid-‘80s. To spell it out, a scent that hasn’t existed on this planet in 20-plus years made her gag. The best part is that she’ll blame you.

Super-vagina. If a regular vagina is great, then a huge vagina should be super great, right? Right? RIGHT?! Turns out pregnant women’s enlarged, extra-drippy female genitalia are on very few people’s lists of awesome things. In fact, if it weren’t for the French, enlargedextradrippyfemalegenitalia.com would have gone out of business years ago.

Feces. Your wife will poop on the delivery table.

Baby.

It is not possible to describe experiencing a small human you helped create emerging from your wife. The happiness, relief, confusion, and nausea you’ll feel for weeks to come can easily be quelled by a couple of your wife prescription painkillers and a glass of vodka.

Yes, the Vicotini works wonders for new dads. And by God, you’ve earned it.

Bill Lloyd and Scott Finch are the authors of the new book The Dude’s Guide to Pregnancy: Dealing with Your Expecting Wife, Coming Baby, and the End of Life as You Knew It.

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