We love sex. You love sex. Well, that’s out of the way.
Seeing as we’re both in agreement over the importance of sex, the excitement of sex, the giggle-inducing, gasp-inspiring, slow-motion tsunami of gooseflesh-triggering awesomeness of sex, we can move on to why it is we can’t really talk about S-E-X.
Women think men are mysterious when it comes to knocking boots, or worse, single-minded and simplistic. We’re not. You’re mysterious, and that’s not playground rhetoric. The difference between what we want and what you want, our needs and yours, is the difference between banal home theater instruction manuals and more exotic hieroglyphics.
But we’re not complicated. We’re just not accustomed to… blah-blah-blahing about it. What turns us on. What doesn’t. Why we nibble there, and man-shriek when you tickle that. Really, for men, talking should exclusively serve an immediate function.
“Watch out for that spear!” “Stop standing on my foot!” “I currently have enough cold beer for you and me.”
Give us some gold stars, though. We’re trying, and this is one of the few positive results of what shalt be called The Big Switcheroo in modern day relationships. An example of The Big Switcheroo is how guys are currently coy, aloof, and indecisive when dating, a natural consequence no doubt of us being told we were too clumsily Neanderthal in our pursuits (not that we’re not deep down, but science can train a monkey to pilot a space ship, after all.)
Another example is how all y’all lady flowers have become so much more, um, forthright, if not aggressive, when it comes to being sent to vaginal Valhalla. Another positive development, but one that requires we communicate more with you. More communication means using, and discovering, more syllables, and employing these syllables to discuss abstractions like emotions. BROMG.
So what don’t you know? Here it goes (note to my brodawgs: this is for a good cause, trust me. I’m not selling our gender out, but the ladies should know some things about some of us. Feel free to set the record straight with whatever pants you’re currently trying to get into or have already bivouacked inside.)
WE LOVE ORAL
We want to get you off. It’s that simple. It’s not news we love to receive, and we know you sometimes do it to pacify us (it works!) But there are altruistic and tactical advantages to our newfound passion for playing your trumpet of fleshy delight. First of all, if we can give you your richly deserved climactic carnal cupcake first, or get you tantalizingly close, we can enjoy ourselves with you and not feel inadequate when we sprint to the finish. After all, your final act is the one full of clapping gospel choirs, and exploding roman candles, and thunderclaps. We are more than happy, and even relieved, to just be the narrative spicing epilogue.
Also, the notion that your natural feminine musk is off-putting is vastly over-exaggerated. Sex is sweaty, goofy, and stinky. It’s the cost of doing business. If you think otherwise, grow up.
EROTIC CINEMA IS HARMLESS
Watching videos of nekkid people going at it is a turn on. True story. And it in no way leads us to want to cheat on you, nor does it suggest we are not sexually satisfied. Porn can be addictive, but so can Cosmos. So removing a person’s natural addictive tendencies, a man watches porn to indulge his fantasies. Barring a complete and total Tyler Durden-style split from reality, fantasy exists in the holy sanctity of the male brain. It shouldn’t make you insecure. In fact, it should make you curious as to what rattles around in our heads. Engage our make-believe world of consequence free sex. After all, you’re the woman. The more… cerebral of the genders. Most of you are junkies for words, and getting in our head and finding out what makes us sexually tick is a challenge with rewards.You’ll find someone appreciative, and also discover how adorably cliché our fantasies are (a threesome with Swedish twins in a Jacuzzi filled with lukewarm nacho cheese? Yessss.)
SEX TOYS SCARE US
There is a sex toy known as “the rabbit.” I will assume you are familiar, but here’s a reminder: it’s the grotesque, lollipop-colored vibrator that undulates in the middle of the shaft and sprouts a weird pair of ears at the base. Now, just for me, make a leap of imagination. Tell me what the creature whose phallus that belongs to looks like. Uh-huh, giant, pink alien Sasquatch man.
Your sex toys to us are not that different than our porno is to you. A source of irrational insecurity. I mean, most dudes have seen women give themselves orgasms that vibrate their molecules until they’ve broken the space/time continuum and hurled themselves a full five minutes into the future. We can’t compete with that! And that’s the point, we’re not. Using them when we’re in bed with you is really hot, and it also puts us at ease. Show us your magic wand, please.
WE DO NOT FEAR YOUR NUMBER
Years ago, a friend of mine confided to mean insecurity of his during his bachelor party. Seems his wife to be had slept with a lot of people, a fact divulged drunkenly the night before. Not only more people than he had slept with, but, like, a lot of people. And I said “Good for her.”
Actually, what I told him was, you don’t go to a jazz club to hear a musician pick up the saxophone for the first time. Her experience means she knows what she wants, and how to get it. That kind of confidence is beyond sexy, and ultimately, she picked him. Doesn’t that say a lot about his sexual prowess? We don’t want to date (or marry) a slut. But we want a girl who can be slutty. We like that in your past, you sometimes wanted to get your rocks off, and you did. You go, um, girl.
WE WILL TELL YOU IF WE HAVE A “MALE G-SPOT”
It seems every month, the diet-and-gossip dishing feminist-esque she-bible GLAMOPOLITAN informs you that massaging a man’s prostate will lead him to having intense orgasm of almost cosmic proportions. This is largely true. But just because it is true, doesn’t mean we want you to do it. It’s not simplistic homophobia, either.
We’re not closed to trying new things… at least once. But candy coat it a little. Tell us how it turns you on. And if we don’t like it — never, ever mention it again. If we do like it — never, ever mention it again. Just do it.
UNLEASH YOUR SHE-PIMP
Back to The Big Switcheroo: sometimes men aren’t into “the mood.” And sometimes, women are, for lack of a better word, “horny.” Let it be known, we are fine with you taking from us what you need. Use us, and throw us away. While there are some dudes who are no doubt intimidated by women who will push you against a wall and demand the beast with two backs ASAP, most of us are more than happy to relinquish control and succumb to your appetites. Name the position, the place, dictate how hard, fast, or how much teeth. We love being in control, but is there anything sexier than a woman starving with desire, rampaging to sate herself? It’s a win-win situation.
John DeVore co-hosts “DeVore and Diana” on Maxim Radio, Sirius Channel 108, 7 to 11PM EST Monday through Friday. He has written forMaxim, The New York Sun, Cracked Magazine, Comedycentral.com, Nymag.com, and for the award-winning political parody Whitehouse.org. He’s appeared on G4TV, CNN, Vh1, and Fox News.