If You Never Promise To Be Monogamous, You’ll Never HAVE To Cheat

I’m on vacation in the Outer Banks of North Carolina this week and that’s why I am really pissed at New York magazine for making their cover story in the newest issue be about something as enraging to me as men who cheat. Particularly men who cheat and BOO HOO don’t we feel sorry for them, because I just had to step away from the 1,000 piece puzzle I was working on to go off on a little rant about this topic when I should be meditating to the sounds of the ocean. Unfortunately, this piece, titled “What Makes Married Men Want To Have Affairs?” was so friggin’ annoying and depressing that I couldn’t help myself.For starters, I’m one of those folks who doesn’t think humans by nature are inclined to be monogamous. After all, we’re members of the animal kingdom and unlike lobsters, our emotions and desires are complex and we can’t help but to want our cake and to eat it too. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was attracted to other people every now and again. But humans, in general, have evolved to welcome and want monogamous relationships. That’s not to say these relationships aren’t hard and that we don’t find ourselves pulled in a non-monogamous direction, but I take issue with Phillip Weiss’ assertion that humans should evolve to embrace straying, especially since his theory seems to really include only the straying of men, as if remaining faithful and monogamous is a challenge only for his gender. I mean, maybe it is more of challenge for men, I don’t know. I just know when you give your word to be committed and monogamous with one person, you shouldn’t go breaking your promise because some Ashley Dupre floozie waltzes in front of you and your desire for something “strange” is torturing you. Weiss and his friends seem like such pathetic jerks, really. There’s nothing less manly than a lack of impulse control.

I suppose if two people in a committed relationship discover after a time that they aren’t on the same page sexually but still love each other and want to figure a way around the problem, it should be their choosing how they want to deal with that — open relationships, permitted time at the strip clubs, whatever. But that’s not cheating — that’s the couple continuing to make decisions about their relationship AS A COUPLE. Cheating is when one person decides they need to have a taste of something else, but they don’t want to deal with the baggage that comes with facing that issue head on WITH their partner. It’s cowardly. Eliot Spitzer was a stupid dumb coward and his wife got screwed. I feel about as sorry for him and his stupid sexual needs as I do for a wealthy business man who just couldn’t resist bilking $100 million from his shareholders because the opportunity presented itself.

If you can’t be monogamous, don’t be. Seriously, seems pretty simple to me. Certainly more simple than this damn puzzle I’m trying to finish. [New York]