I think (and desperately, desperately hope) that all single people encounter dry spells. I don’t mean dry spells during which you get no physical love. I mean dry spells during which members of the opposite sex refuse to talk to you. Maybe their schedules are too packed watching March Madness games, or perhaps they’re feeling unattractive because they’ve developed a layer of fat to keep warm during the winter months, but for whatever reason, girls don’t exist.
The last two months were a dry spell for me. During the 61 days that made up April and May, exactly zero people took any interest in my online dating profile. A handful of men looked at my page, but no one winked at me and no one messaged me. I’m not even sure how this is statistically possible — right now there are 856 people “online now” in my area, according to the site — but during that time I was viewed as a communicative disease in the online dating world. I don’t put much stock into horoscopes, however, mine sucked during those two months, so maybe the stars are to blame.
Even though I didn’t communicate with anyone, something strange did happen — I met a guy who recognized me from my online dating profile. This is the first time my online life and my actual life have crossed paths. It was weird to be recognized, and I wonder whether that’s how minor celebrities feel when someone asks them whether they were on All My Children when they’re reaching for a gallon of 2-percent milk at the grocery. Anyway, we went out twice, but it just wasn’t meant to be.
By the beginning of June, I still wasn’t getting any action, so I had my hyper-sexual friend Jason look at my profile and give me a few pointers from a straight, single-guy’s perspective.
Basically he thought I should make my answers quirkier. In his extensive online dating experience, most girls have the same lame answers: “I like laughing! I love my friends! My family’s really important to me! My favorite color’s pink!” His advice sounded reasonable, I just had to sit down and make the changes. I added a couple new photos but hadn’t had a chance to update any of my answers when, all of a sudden, three guys messaged me! Then three more!
I can’t say for sure whether adding more photos did the trick — maybe the entire male population had decided collectively that mid-June would be when they’d emerge from hibernation — but updating my profile (which I hadn’t done in months) might have the same effect online as wearing clean clothes or getting a haircut does in the real world. If you don’t maintain yourself, you’ll look pretty scraggly after a while, and taking a shower or doing some laundry might help change the way people perceive you.