For the week of March 31-April 6, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your hotness heats up, so aim high. Don’t waste time on charity cases and borderline crushes. You know they only occupy mental space that then makes you waste time analyzing his actions when deep down you could care less. Break free of those habits now. A worthy contender is coming; until then, save the juice for a more savory flavor.
Taurus (April 20- May 20)
Your friends will be your psychic hotline, but the powers fade by the 3rd — so get to asking. Need to find out if your boyfriend is a cheating loser? They’ll tell you straight up. Need insight in where you should go to find better booty? Call up an old and social acquaintance. Don’t underestimate your network; you have all the answers at the tips of your fingers.
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
Newness will count when it comes to taking advantage of the astrological aspects you have going on now. Yes, destiny is giving you ample opportunities to score with exciting spontaneous types. While the long run potential is not in the stars, that should be the least of your cares. Live for the moment, because fleeting lusts will be your crack.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Listen to your urges and screw logic. Although this week will be rough with obligations that spring up at you last minute, you still have to fulfill your own needs. Refuse to bite off more than you can chew, no matter how delicious another promises it will be. Listen to your instincts and do what makes you feel good — at the least, trust you know what that is.
Leo (July 23- August 22)
Who cares where you’ll get your kicks this week? It’s all about instant gratification now. Sure, this can lead you down a desperate road of despair in the long run, but with such an uncertain future, you have to take chance while you can. Besides, you wouldn’t be you unless you have a 30 ft. train of plush drama trailing behind you.
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
Just when you think you have your relationship figured out, out comes a skeleton from the closet. Either you will feel the need to spill or your lover will come clean. Whichever the case, the week will get more intense as it moves along and will leave you in a new place that’ll have you reassessing your life once again — which for you, Miss Analyzer, means a week in your element.
Libra (September 23- October 22)
A cosmically induced orgasmic cycle begins now. Expect a major jumpstart to your already pulsating libido, driving you to explore escapades that would make even Caligula blush. Stock up on the birth control, whip out your sexy stilettos and work your magic, as the ultimate climax is still weeks away. Best of all, love being the envy of your friends.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
The honeymoon with a new squeeze ends, leaving you to wonder what the hell you’re doing, wanting, thinking, feeling, etc. Of course, since the sex will still be red hot, you won’t be going anywhere. However, have faith that not all guys are a-holes. Take a mature route: discuss your boundaries to create a real foundation. This one should understand your language.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
2008 is about to get dirty and in just the way you like it. With all that built up tension from the celibate months of winter, consider yourself fully defrosted and ready to go. Turn up the volume with ongoing flirtations and cut to the chase. You have many places to see and people to do, step up the speed. Consider this your civic duty to humanity.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You’ll feel exhausted from short trips, conversations that go nowhere and ungrateful people that treat you as if you have all the time in the world to wait for their replies. The last thing you’ll want to do is exert yourself anymore. Thankfully, playing voyeur will appease you enough to feel satisfied.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
If a sudden chance to get away doesn’t come, make it happen yourself. Your chance to score is way bigger out of town than close to home. If anything, take this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Try out some of your fantasies that have been brewing in the back of your mind and burning a hot spot down below.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Toughen up. Brutal comments and insensitive types will be crossing your path all week long. Instead of trying to rationalize everything in your mind, laugh it off. Some people just can’t help being a-holes. Besides, this is the last week Venus, the planet of decadence, is in Pisces — which means you should be laying on your back for other reasons, other than feeling defeated.