• Relationships

Dealbreaker: The Drunk Embarrassment

There are so many things involved in attraction. From clothing to chemistry, a never-ending list of items can be turn-offs. But sometimes differences are a turn-on, from magnets to men, you know what they say: opposites attract. Still, some things are so repellent, they’re dealbreakers.

Oh, the joy of making all your girlfriends swoon with jealousy by showing off your hot new man! After years of being the token single girl, I dreamed of the day when I would finally get to introduce them to a sexy boyfriend of my own. When I magically found myself dating a real package deal — a guy with a good job, even better looks, and a singing voice so sweet I was proud to call him “honey” — I couldn’t wait to bask in the bragging rights. So, I invited my friends to a country karaoke night at local dive bar. I just knew he’d knock a song, and my friends, out.
My date kicked the night off by buying the first round and I was already getting signs of approval. But unfortunately, he kept signaling the cocktail waitress. As we waited through song after song of winos whining, he slammed ‘em back. I was starting to sweat our upcoming duet, but I thought I just needed to get the drink out of his hand and the mic into it.

I was so relieved when the DJ finally called our names to do the Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton classic, “Islands in the Stream”. But I didn’t know my now obviously wasted boyfriend fancied himself a freestyle rapper. After four long minutes, the DJ thanked, “The drunkest guy for picking a song where he’d only sing half the time.”

When we got back to the table, I was so afraid of what my friends were going to say, but my date broke the ice by accidentally hitting his head on the lighting fixture and then proceeding to punch it back. As the bouncer escorted him out and into a cab, I followed to watch, hoping the humiliation would end. And that’s when it hit me — his puke, that is. All the booze he had drank that night ruined my dress, my shoes, and my pride.

I was sitting on the curb, wondering how I was going to face everyone like this, when one of my girlfriends came out looking for me. She got me some napkins, and as I began to wipe myself off she said, “Too bad, he was so cute.” Touché. I had my hot moment, but from here on out, I’m only dating ugly.

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