Real Chick Lit: Judy McGuire’s Bad Date Hall Of Fame
Judy McGuire has been on a lot of bad dates. “How many grains of sand are there on a beach? How many stars in the sky? If I were ever to sit down and count, I’d never leave the house again,” she says. But going out with all those losers provided her with plenty of material for her book, How Not to Date. Plus, it taught her the most decent way to dump someone: “I’m not one of those people who thinks you always have to do it in person, because if I got all dressed up to go meet someone only to get dumped once I got there, I’d be pretty angry,” Judy says. “But if you’ve slept with the person, you either need to do it by phone or in person.” Judy shares her Bad Date Hall of Fame, culled from years of personal experience and hours spent listening to other daters’ horror stories.
The worst line I ever heard on a first (and last) date:
“I usually date women a lot younger than you.” (We were the same age.) He followed that up with the confession that he’d always been sexually attracted to his mother.
Second worst line I ever heard on a first (and last) date:
“HIV doesn’t cause AIDS, and condoms are bs. I’d never use them.”
Worst line I ever delivered:
“Um, no, you can’t kiss me—I have a cold sore. See?”
Second worst line I ever delivered:
“I know I’m kind of fat, but I’m on Weight Watchers and I’ve already lost seven pounds.”
Worst outfit ever worn by a date:
It involved dad jeans and eyeliner. Worst outfit I’ve ever inflicted on another human:
I had this super short black skirt that was very effective. However, on one date, we were about halfway through our first drink, I looked down and noticed that the panty portion of the suck-me-in tights I was wearing extended a lot longer than the bottom of my skirt. Classy.
Worst thing a man could write in his online personal ad:
Second worst thing a man could write in his online personal ad:
Anything involving his meds intake.
Worst thing a woman could write in her online personal ad:
“Must make over [insert ridiculous income bracket here]”
Second worst thing a woman could write in her online personal ad:
Anything involving her meds intake.
Worst topic a man could ever bring up on a first date:
Any medical issue that involves weeping sores.
Worst topic a woman could ever bring up on a first date:
Anything period-related. Goes double if you’re riding the cotton pony at the time.
Second worst topic a man or woman could bring up on a first date:
The “psycho” ex. If you can’t go one hour without bringing ‘em up, you’re not ready to date.