Vagenius: The Evolution Of Monkey Business

While a lot of celebrities like to walk around with their cooters out, it turns out that just means they’re less evolved females. Big surprise! But seriously, evolution is to blame for all the problems men have reading women’s sexual signals — although it seems like the trade off was worth it. Back in the day, when we were monkeys, our privates were very public. When our hairy ancestors were in heat, their vajayjay butts would swell up and then they’d go around trying to get laid by showing off the hot mess to the males like this. Conversely, since the apes walked around on all fours, the men’s junk was hidden, so if they popped up, no one was the wiser. Needless to say, ape sexuality was totally backwards by today’s human standards. So, how’d our fates get reversed? By literally standing up for ourselves. As hominids got around on two legs, things went down. For one thing, the now exposed males started to walk upright and carry big(ger) sticks. Bonus! Theoretically, it’s because they had to make it through all that monkey cooch and once we stood up too, our public display became private. With our crotches concealed, men couldn’t tell by smell or look if a female was ready to go. This switch put females in control and sex became more of a psychological and emotional game in which women hold most of the cards, atleast according to Mother Nature. Bringing it up to present time, men now have to find a way to show off to the ladies in order to interest them in mating — like flowers, candy, dinner, and alcohol, and then women get to decide who they want. Amazing! Yet, millions of years later, we’re all still confused by the dating dance. So while love may remain a mystery, your vagina is no small wonder. [Stereo Hell]