• Guys

The Pitfalls: Wet Blanket Wuss

Between the mama’s boy, the softie, the geek, the sensitive ponytail man, the teddy bear, and the by the books square, there is one common chant: Nice guys finish last. It’s a chorus I’ve heard from Green Day to the likes of my brother, but after a few bad boys break your heart, even a motorcycle mama would like to take a true gentleman for a spin.

So, when a sneaker wearing lawyer asked me out, I figured this was my chance to do good. He was a real meat and potatoes kind of guy, but date after date, our conversations never waned. Normally I can chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out, but this guy was just so nice — but that was actually all I could say about him when my friends pried. He pulled out my chair, picked up tabs, opened doors, and liked me to be on top. As we got close, I saw some serious potential, but I still wanted to loosen his tie.
Since he told me he was raised in the woods of Pennsylvania, I decided to plan us an afternoon adventure hike. He showed up in pressed khakis and I could see our tour guide visibly holding back his laughter. As he rubbed sunscreen on his face, he admitted to being from a suburb of Pittsburgh. He fumbled through the hike, but didn’t complain until we got to the trail highlight: the zip line. It would take us back down from where we had climbed through some of the most beautiful scenery the area had to offer. “Oh no!” he squealed as he got strapped into the harness, “I don’t think I can do this.” Are you kidding me? The guide told him only one other person hadn’t done it in his five years on the trail — a little girl. Even still, the big baby still wanted to walk back down. It was clear, this nice guy was finishing last because he was a wet blanket wuss.

I knew there was only one way to really save him from his fate, so I gave him a little push. He screamed the whole way, but landed on his feet. He was shaking with exhilaration when I met him at the base. Just like I had predicted, the rush went straight to his head and I had finally driven him wild. Next month, we’re going to try his and hers hang gliding.

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