Flo Rida’s “Low” just ended its 10-week reign on top of the Billboard Hot 100. To mourn its loss, my friend Jon and I listen to it simultaneously, attempting to measure whether there’s a gender preference with music. We end up discussing shoes and dancing in the rain.
Catherine: Do you want to press play?
Jon: Okay, go. It sounds like Timbaland got up in here.
C: Crap. Mine is playing a commercial for Swiffer. Not so hip-hip.
J: Jeez.C: Okay, it started. Do you know what Apple Bottom jeans are?
J: Yeah, course
C: Just checking. Are you more into girls with Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur or baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps?
J: Jeans and boots, most definitely. Who dreams of a girl wearing basketball shoes?
C: Oh. I like sneakers. I wish I could wear Air Maxes, but I think I’d look weird.
J: You wouldn’t look weird. But I mean, sneakers aren’t that sexy. Also, the Reeboks with the straps? Those were the shoes my mom used to Jazzercise.
C: They were awesomely ’80s. I was never cool enough to have a pair though.
J: I’m only extremely ashamed to admit that I owned a pair. Red. Suede.
J: Yeah, I wish someone had intervened.
C: I like red shoes. I’m wearing a pair today. Did you match them to your outfits?
J: You can’t match red suede to an outfit. You just let that ride. Focal point.
J: It sounds kinda like a children’s rhyme. “Get low, low, low, low, low!”
C: How is that like a children’s rhyme?
J: I don’t know. It just reminded me of one, I suppose.
C: It would be a dirty children’s rhyme.
J: “Patron on the rocks, that’ll make you moan.” The song’s way more cool if you don’t listen to the lyrics. Otherwise you realize it’s just â€œGet Lowâ€ done with a crappier beat and no Lil’ Jon. “Shorty was hot like a toaster.”
C: I LOVE THAT LINE.
C: Yeah. I like toast.
J: I gotta use more similes in my pickup lines.
C: What would you say?
J: Lawdy, you fine like china.
C: What kind of china?
J: FINE CHINA. Stay with me.
C: Stay where with you?
J: See, it worked! There’s a lot of close-ups on dudes in this video for a song that’s designed to get women dancing. Wifebeater: Still an acceptable fashion for men?
C: Um, only in private. Or under things. I think he has bigger boobs than me.
J: His are very perky, at the least.
C: What’s with people in videos dancing in the rain?
J: It’s hotter that way because her clothes are wet. And then she has to take them off.
C: Have you ever danced in the rain?
J: I’m not much for dancing.
C: I’ve seen you dance, and you’re pretty decent.
J: You’re gonna make me blush.
C: I bet you’d be amazing if you wore some red suede Reeboks.
J: Gene Kelly had his patent leather oxfords. Some Reebok red suede trainers could be just what I need.