Romance On TV: Big Brother Is Exhaustingly Awesome

Living inside the Big Brother house is a bit like living life in fast-forward: so much more drama goes down in the span of one week than could ever go down in a year in a non-reality show star’s life. Frankly, the game itself (i.e. the “couples” vying for the million dollar prize) is not even the reason to watch, and frankly, the show itself isn’t worth watching either, considering that every moment of life inside the house is available through the Big Brother live feeds. These feeds are watched, transcribed, and posted in text and video form on quite a few blogs, so I’ve been doing most of my BB-obsessing online. So what’s gone down this week since we last left off? Find out, after the jump…
1. Jen & Parker got voted off: Ugh, who cares? That’s game talk!
2. Natalie (pictured) gave her partner, Matt, a beej, which he made her promise to keep secret.
3. James and his partner Chelsia started hooking up. She got a pink streak in her hair to match his. Aww!
4. Joshuah’s partner Neil had to leave the house for a family emergency so he got paired up with Sharon, who got booted the first week. He’s gay, so this partnership is obvi not gonna get frisky.
5. Amanda somewhat underhandedly spread a rumor that her partner, Alex, tried to diddle her while they slept, which he denied. Then Chelsia and Joshua went off on Amanda, calling her a whole host of names that start with the letters “C”, “W”, “B”, and “S”. And that super viral video has been brought to you by Sesame Street!
6. Some of the roommates had an orgy in the hot tub! We’re pretty sure having a pool boy coming in to the house to clean that nastiness out goes against Big Brother’s “in seclusion”-policy. Gross.
7. Natalie, a mom who works as a bikini-clad barista, showed the house guests how she can squirt milk out of her breasts! She is totally my favorite.
8. Amanda and Allison both had to be rushed to the emergency room! Amanda was on “slop” (Big Brother’s word for tasteless oatmeal poop) and fainted because she’s hypoglycemic and wasn’t getting enough sugar. Allison had an allergic reaction to something she ate and her face swelled!
9. James and Chelsia won Head of Household and got Amanda and Alex evicted, because remember, Amanda is a bunch of words that start with “C”, “W”, “B”, and “S”.
10. This week’s new HOHs are Sharon and Joshuah. Expect to see lots more cat fighting, orgying, face swelling, and milk spurting, if you’re lucky!
[CBS: Big Brother 9]