Disturbing Fashion Trend: Tween Thongs

We just started wearing thongs, like, yesterday. [Not really, but we have only three pairs and we hate every second of wearing them.] They are uncomfortable and expose the not-so-cute butt cheeks and only serve one purpose and that is to prevent VPL when we’re wearing something tight or sheer-ish. Which is why we don’t understand why thongs are available for girls in the tween age bracket, i.e., seven to 12 years old. When you’re seven to 12 years old, you should be wearing overalls and t-shirts and maybe dresses but only when you’re going to a birthday party or church, if you come from that kind of family. You shouldn’t be wearing tight skirts and low-rise jeans and slutty dresses from the Paris Hilton department at Macy’s. So we did a Google search for “tween thongs” — tech support, it’s research, ok? — and came across some tween/teen online boutique called Daisy Maze, which does indeed sell a wide variety of thong underwear in teeny tiny sizes. What’s scarier is that these thongs cannot possibly even be excused away as totally for VPL-banishing functionality — they have bows and trinkets dangling from them and come in sexy/virginal prints and have such a tiny piece of thread in the back that we seriously blushed. When society’s ills start to make us feel like crotchety old prudish ladies, there is a problem.

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